{I started writing this post on 5/4/15}
We just got back from China and I can’t sleep (the jet lag is killing me!) so I decided it’s finally time to write about my experience with infertility for the past 2 years. It’s 12:20 AM and I’m thinking that it might be kind of therapeutic. Maybe it will put me to sleep…or maybe it will make me more upset. I think it will feel good to write it all out, honestly. I’ve been wanting to document the whole process for months.
To be honest, I haven’t shared my story with too many people out of fear. Fear that I might write something that will somehow offend someone, and fear of being vulnerable and expressing how much my heart has been hurting. Why I am sharing it now? There are two main reasons. The first is because if one person who reads this knows that they are not alone in this heartache and that someone is experiencing the same thing, then it will be worth it. I have been carried through this process by a lot of angel friends and family members that have surrounded me and shared my pain, and that has made it bearable. Maybe someone out there who is struggling with infertility doesn’t have that support system, and I want them to know that they are not alone. The second reason is to help any family members or friends who have a loved one who is going through this. I want you to be able to understand a little more. You can’t possibly understand what it’s like to go through this until you have done it yourself. I have several friends who have struggled with infertility and I always felt sad for them, but a whole new level of empathy has come over me since I have struggled with it myself. I remember when we first started doing our infertility treatments and I thought about one friend who has struggled with this for years. I was standing in my closet picking out my jewelry for the day, and I just started sobbing for her. I finally understood what it was really like and I ached for her sorrow that I was just now beginning to understand. Maybe sharing my story will help others who haven’t gone through it personally be able to understand their loved ones who are going through it better and therefore be better able to provide them with the support that they need in their dark time. So for those two reasons, here it is…
Tyler and I were married on May 9, 2008, exactly one year to the day after we had our first date. It just worked out that way. I got married when I was 21 and the thought of having children absolutely terrified me. Like panicked me A LOT. The “plan” was to get married when I was at least 25 after I graduated college, but when you meet the right person, it all falls into place. Our plans don’t often work out the way way we expect them to, or so I have found out. Luckily God has a better plan for us. I was genuinely worried, however, that I would never want to have kids and that the desire to be a mom would never come. I was one of the first of my friends to get married and I guess I was kind of insecure because I don’t like being the first person to do things. I like to know the ocean is safe and see other people swimming before I jump in. As some of my friends started getting married and having kids, I started to relax a little bit. If they could do it and had experienced it before me, I knew I would have a good support group.
I remember sitting in church one day in primary at the front (I was in the primary presidency at my church for all of the kids). It was the fall of 2012. I saw a little girl sitting on the front row with big, sweet brown eyes and something just switched in my mind and I wanted to have a baby. For the first time, I felt like there were children that were ready to come to our family. There was the motherly instinct I didn’t think would ever come. Kind of a relief! We were in the process of selling our house and building a new one so I talked to Tyler and we decided that we would start trying as soon as we moved into our new house. I didn’t want to be sick while living with my in-laws (we lived there after we sold our house and while our new house was being built) or sick while we were trying to move and get settled again. I stopped taking birth control in June of 2013. We were ready! Now was the time! We figured it would just happen after trying for a few months. After it didn’t, we started monitoring it more and taking the timing more seriously. We would use the ovulation calculators you can find on your phone and try to time it so that we would get pregnant. When that didn’t work, I also bought a thermometer that was supposed to tell you when you temperature was raised a bit which would indicate ovulation. That didn’t work either. After trying this for a year, I decided it was time to call an infertility center. We called them in June of 2014 and started treatments in July of 2014.
When we walked into the office for the first time, sweet Tyler was upbeat as usual. He has the most positive personality of anyone that I have ever met and I absolutely love him for it. He’s so happy and he spreads that happiness wherever he goes. He doesn’t have a bad day because he chooses not to. I, on the other hand, was feeling anxious and sad. We walked in about 10 minutes early because we needed to finish filling out our paperwork. The receptionist said, “you were supposed to have that done when you got here” in an annoyed voice. I wanted to yell at her. “Really?! As if this day isn’t hard enough already, you have to get upset about me not having the paperwork done when I gave myself plenty of time to finish it by coming early?!” But I didn’t yell. Instead I just smiled slightly and finished the paperwork.
We met with our doctor and ran most of the initial testing that day. My thyroid was a little low and Tyler had a low sperm count. Not crazy low, but low enough that it might contribute to the problem. Our doctor didn’t seem worried though. We scheduled an appointment to get my Fallopian tubes tested. Your Fallopian tubes are the passageway to get your eggs from your ovaries to your uterus. They inject dye into them, then look on an ultrasound and make sure there isn’t anything that is blocked. Everything as far as ovaries, uterus and all of my “insides” (I don’t know how else to say that lol) looked great. The first month, we did artificial insemination without any drugs except the trigger shot 24 hours beforehand. It’s supposed to help time when you ovulate. That didn’t work. The next month, my doctor put me on Femara which is similar to Clomid. They are drugs that ensure you ovulate. It didn’t work on it’s own the first month…or the second.
After three failed IUI’s, and because we have great insurance, we decided to move forward with the big infertility treatment – in vitro. I went to a shot class where they told us how to give ourselves each of the medications. I couldn’t help but thinking, “man, they trust usto do this to ourselves?!” It’s a lot of responsibility and in case you didn’t know, I’m not a doctor. Or a nurse. I’m just Jenica. I took anatomy in college and did not pass with flying colors. I barely made it out alive. (Side note: do not take anatomy your freshman year of college. It’s HARD and you won’t give yourself enough time study lol).
While I wasn’t thrilled with the idea of giving myself shots, I was kind of naive and didn’t know what I was in for. In fact, when I started giving myself the Lupron injections in my stomach each morning, it wasn’t that bad at first. I injected the Lupron with a really small needle, and I only needed a really small amount of the drug so it didn’t bother me for the first two weeks. I had many people warn me before starting that it was a horrible experience. I had people tell me that they turned into complete emotional train wrecks when they were going through in vitro and that they basically turned into different people. They warned Tyler to get ready to be patient (he already is so I wasn’t worried about that). I admit there were a few times when I thought to myself that my friends who had been through it were being a little dramatic when they told me how rough it is and how crazy emotional they got. I thought to myself, “this isn’t that bad! It’s going to work and I’m going to have a great success story and move on with my life! We’ll get that sweet baby here in no time.” Then I started the next set of medications…
It was a Sunday morning when I needed to start giving myself both Menopur and Follistim. Tyler had just left for a meeting at church but I thought I would be fine on my own because I had been giving myself the other shots. I started with the Follistim. It comes in a big pen, like an EpiPen if you have seen one of those, then you put in a cartridge with the drug and twist the dial on the end to indicate how high of a dose you need. You then push the dial down and the medicine goes into your stomach. Well guess what? When you push the dial down it twists on your thumb making it practically impossible to give yourself without wiggling the needle all over the place. OUCH! That was surprise number one. Surprise number two: Menopur. I have since heard this medication called Satan’s Potion by another IVF patient. I laughed when I heard this because it’s so true! It would have been nice to know that it BURNS when you inject it! It feels like fire is going into your stomach. Maybe it wouldn’t have been quite so bad had I been warned. Immediately after the injection I burst into tears, sobbing. Picture me, in my kitchen in my pj’s, sobbing to myself and crying (literally saying these words out loud), “I don’t want to do this to myself any more. It hurts and I can’t do this. I don’t want to do this.” It was so pathetic and sad. I went into the bathroom to blow my nose and just keep sobbing. I had to keep giving myself all 3 of these shots every day for about two more weeks. Tyler helped me push the medication in once I got the needles in my stomach which helped a lot.
They did the egg retrieval on a Thursday morning and I called in sick to work. No one at work, except one person, knew I was doing these treatments. It’s personal and I didn’t want everyone at work involved because it is so personal and work is so professional, plus I didn’t think the process would last as long as it has. I thought I would be announcing my pregnancy by now! I would tell all of my friends and family of course, but for some reason I just didn’t feel comfortable telling anyone this because it was so personal. (And now I’m sharing it for all to see!) The night before the retrieval, I was at a conference for work when my nurse called me to tell me the exact time and all of the details on what I needed to do. I had to leave the meeting I was in, then go back into the meeting to get a pen and paper to write it all down. I was kind of panicking a little bit. She told me I had to give myself the trigger shot at exactly 10 pm, 12 hours before the retrieval. She said this was the most important thing. I went in the next morning with Tyler. I wasn’t allowed to wear any lotion or makeup. I had comfy clothes on. I walked in and they hooked up the IV so that I could be sedated. After the procedure, they transferred me to a room on the side where Tyler and I could sit and wait for me to wake up. The doctor came in and told me they were able to retrieve 36 eggs! That was a lot and she said that most of them looked to be in really good shape! Tyler drove me home (but not before stopping to get some Ranch Corn Nuts and other snacks for me at the grocery store). I have no idea why I was craving those! I hardly ever eat them. He put me to bed (with my Corn Nuts at my request…plus some popcorn) and I ate a bit then fell asleep. I woke up with popcorn pieces all over my bed that I had been sleeping on…nice one, Jenica.
After the procedure, I was really crampy and very bloated. It took about 3 days to be able to walk comfortably. We stopped at Wal Mart one night on our way home to get something and Tyler suggested that I get into the grocery cart so he could push me around. He’s so cute. At first I was too prideful and embarrassed, then after about 10 more steps I agreed and thought it was a great idea. It hurt too much to walk a lot. He put a little pillow in the cart so I could sit there and we stayed for about 30 minutes, shopping around the store. If you ever see a woman being pushed in a grocery cart by her husband, just don’t ask questions. There has got to be a good reason and you most likely don’t want to know why 😉
We got a call a few days later and then every other day with an update with how many embryos were created from my eggs and his sperm. In the end, it was only 3 that were good embryos that were viable for transfer. This seemed really low compared to how many eggs that they were able to get. We decided to freeze 2 and transfer 1 to start.
Tuesday was transfer day and we were so excited! Today was the day were going to get pregnant. I met Tyler at the doctor’s office. The morning was a little hectic because I realized that my pharmacy hadn’t mailed me the Valium that I needed to take for the procedure, so 15 minutes before I was supposed to arrive at the doctor’s office, I called frantic and the nurse called it in to my local Walgreens. The transfer went well and I was supposed to rest for a couple days afterward. Tyler took the cutest picture of “our family” with a photo of the embryos. It was supposed to be our first family photo. Tyler drove me home and we went to pick up my car the next morning. Our family and friends brought us dinner, called, emailed and texted us to make sure everything went well. Our family and friends have taken good care of us.
I had a busy couple of weeks after that and I was worried that I was putting too much stress on myself, but I was also glad that I had things to distract myself with. I threw a big Valentine’s party for a company, and as soon as everyone left my house, I went to the bathroom and started my period. There it was. I was kind of in disbelief and so disappointed. Pandora was playing in the background still from my party and a Coldplay song came on. The lyrics said, “Nobody said it was easy. No one ever said it would be so hard. I’m going back to the start.” At first I started laughing a little bit. Really?! This song comes on and yes, I’m going back to the start. What are the odds? Then I started crying. It was sad. And true. Tyler walked in from cleaning up some of the chairs from the living room and I told him. We just hugged each other for a bit, both with heavy hearts.
At least we had our two frozen embryos, though, right? I called the doctor’s office the next day and went in for my scheduled blood draw. I was supposed to find out that day if I was pregnant or not but I already knew. They just wanted to make sure.
So….we started into another round, this time a frozen cycle and the medications were different. I now had to give myself lots of shots in my bum…and the needles were LONG. The first time I did it, I cried and cried because I was SO scared. Then I said a prayer with Tyler. Tyler gave me the shot and when the needle went in, it didn’t hurt very much and I knew it was because my Heavenly Father was protecting me and had heard my desperate prayer. Tyler gave me many of the shots in my bum after that too cause it was a tough angle. My sister Katelyn came over once to do it when Tyler was out of town to give me the shot, and my friend Naomi came over as well. They both did a great job and were kind to give me that shot all while getting mooned at the same time 😉
My booty was bruised and had little shot spots all over it for a month. I would show you a picture, but….
Sometimes the shots would hit a blood vessel and sting really bad. These shots made me feel worse than the first ones I think. I couldn’t STOP EATING! I am normally a really healthy person but all I craved was crap…french fries, chips, you name it sister, I craved it. I also gained about 5 lbs in a month while doing this.
After all of the shots, transfer day came and it was really hectic because the doctor called me and asked me to come at 10 when I originally was scheduled at 2, so I scrambled at work to finish some things and almost had an anxiety attack but I made it to the doctor’s office where I met Tyler and took my Ambien. They make everyone take an Ambien right before so that you and your muscles are completely relaxed. The first time I took it for the first transfer it practically knocked me out and I fell asleep for a bit on Tyler’s shoulder. This time it didn’t affect me very much, but it’s probably because I was scrambling around like a mad woman trying to get there.
The transfer went well and I rested a for a couple days at home. It was good timing because it was General Conference weekend for my church, so we were able to relax at home. Fast forward two weeks for my blood test and I hadn’t started my period yet so we were feeling hopeful. I got the call that afternoon and they said my HCG score (what they use to measure if someone is pregnant in the beginning) was higher than normal but about half as high as it should be. The nurse said I was pregnant but it might not be viable and that I would have to come back into the office for another blood test in two days. WHAT?! All of the stress of waiting two weeks and we had to wait two more days?!
I went in and took another blood test two days later and got a call that afternoon with the same results. “You’re pregnant but it might not be viable because the HCG scores normally double every 48 hours and yours have only increased slightly.” Awesome. Two more days and then another blood test. Keep in mind we had to wait over another weekend. It was the shortest weekend ever 😉
I got the call and the nurse confirmed that my HCG scores were going back down. It appears that the embryos tried to implant but just didn’t make it. I felt completely defeated and absolutely exhausted at the fact that we would have to do the whole process over again…all the shots, the egg retrieval, stomach bloating…all over again. Every shot I had given myself and sacrificed to do had been for nothing. I am fine doing them (even though they totally suck and your life turns upside down) if it had been successful, but it hadn’t been. The bruising, the tears, the emotions going up and down all of the time, the heartache…and I wasn’t pregnant.
We left the next day for a trip to China which was the most perfect timing possible because I just wanted to get away from my heavy life for a bit. I wanted to escape because I was sick of crying and feeling like crap. It was an incredible trip and I’m so grateful we were able to go. I did have an issue on one of the planes from Beijing to Xian, however. Since I hadn’t started my period (it was about three weeks late), I knew it would most likely be a miscarriage because my body had tried to be pregnant, and technically was for a little while. We had just rushed through the hot Beijing airport to make our flight (they don’t use air conditioning in that airport). We had gotten Burger King and then we started going down the escalator and I started to feel really bad…and I knew it was coming. I started cramping really hard and just felt sick. When we got on the plane, we sat down and I told myself that I would go to the bathroom when we took off. I was sitting next to the window but we didn’t take off and the plane was getting hotter and hotter. I started dripping in sweat because I was in so much pain and started to get really claustrophobic. I’m not kidding when I say that the plane probably got to at least 90 degrees. I asked to get out of my seat because I felt trapped sitting next to the window. I went to the bathroom, put in a “you know what” and came back to sit back down. After about 5 minutes I couldn’t take it any longer and asked to get out again and stand in the aisle. I have sweat dripping down my body at this point, I am in an incredible amount of pain and I’m stuck on a small airplane with no ventilation and it’s about 90 degrees. PANIC ATTACK ALERT! Ha ha I just kept telling myself to stay calm and that I would get through it. I went to the bathroom again and sure enough it was a lot worse than normal. I went to the back of the plane and got some ice. After about another 20 minutes, the stewards opened the back door of the plane and I just sat there trying to get some air. It was quite a site to see. I can’t believe they let me sit right next to the exit. It wasn’t cool outside by any means, but at least we had a small amount of ventilation. After about 30 more minutes of sitting there, they told us to get back in our seats. I sat down in the emergency exit because there was an extra seat there and I needed to not feel so trapped next to the window. My cramping was REALLY bad now and it was hard to sit still. After we took off, the air conditioning came on and the ibuprofen that I took kicked in enough for me to fall asleep for a little bit. When I woke up, I moved back next to Tyler. It was an exhausting few hours.
So now what? We are taking a few months off. I am just done. No more shots, no more doctor’s visits. I just want to enjoy my life for a few months. Relax. Remember what it’s like to be happy and content for a bit. I am really trying to take care of my body and rid the toxins of all those drugs that I have been taking. We are drinking warm lemon water every morning to stimulate our livers to detox. I went to a natural medicine shop and bought some herbal pills to help with hormone balance and reproductive system support. My doctor said I can’t take them when we do another round of in vitro, but it doesn’t hurt now and I’m hoping it will help. We are trying to eat less processed foods, and more organic produce and meats.
In this process, I feel that God has truly watched over me in the form of family and friends. I would cry and cry to one of my best friends and she would help give me perspective and make me feel better. She is the one who encouraged me to be brave and share my story. I remember not being able to hold back the tears at church one day when I told another friend (who has also struggled with infertility) that I was some just simply scared to give myself the shots that next day because it was scary and it hurt. I came home for my lunch break the following day and found a “happy basket” full of bright yellow things that cheered me up. She wrote a note saying how bad she knew that it sucked. She just acknowledged that it was a rough time and that she knew what I was going through. Another time I woke up to a dozen pink roses on my front porch from a new friend that I had literally just met two weeks prior. Her note referenced one of my favorite hymns “Lord, I Would Follow Thee” that says, “in the quiet heart is hidden sorrow that the eye can’t see.” I couldn’t believe that someone I just met would drive all of the way to my house to express her sadness for me. The verse is so true. People would look at me and I know I looked just fine but in my heart there was sorrow that couldn’t be seen. My sister-in-laws and mother-in-law all took turns bringing me dinner after the first egg retrieval. They know that food is the key to my heart 🙂 My mom brought a cute metal flower for my garden. Another good friend who was also going through in vitro at the same time as me brought me a big basket full of IVF survival essentials like a water bottle to stay hydrated, pineapple cause I guess it’s good for your fertility (that’s debatable…it didn’t work Court 😉 ), some chocolate and some “magic” earrings that 3 people had been wearing when their IVF transfer was successful. Since it didn’t work when I wore them, I think I should probably burn the earrings because their magic is gone and they are contaminated 😉 I got emails and texts from kind friends who were rooting for us. I’ll never forget the sweet words expressed and the hearts that were aching on our behalf. It brings me to tears in thinking how blessed we are to have such incredible people who love us so we don’t feel alone.
I know that God has a plan for us, and while this has been extremely difficult both emotionally and physically, I know that I am being taught the things that He would have me learn. I know that if we let them, our trials can strengthen us rather than break us down. I know that I am a stronger person for having gone through this thus far. If I am ever feeling discouraged and desperate for comfort, I pray to my Heavenly Father to help give me peace and patience in His plan.
And that’s our story so far. If you have a loved one who is going through this, embrace them so they know that they are loved. There were days that I felt so completely low and not good about myself. I know that these feelings came because of all of the drugs I was taking that were messing with my hormones and how tough it was to go through this month after month. There are also a few situations that I look back on and can’t believe certain words came out of my mouth. I was pumping myself full of drugs filled with hormones that my body and brain HATED! So if you have a loved one going through this, I would just advise you to be gentle to that person and please forgive them if they say something that they normally wouldn’t. Remember it’s the drugs talking 😉 If you are going through infertility struggles yourself, please know that you are not alone in this boat. Grab an oar, and we can row together.
Erin Fairchild says
Sending so much love your way!! Thank you for sharing your story. I know it will help a lot of people going through similar struggles. I do not have kids and have not been trying to have kids yet so I can't even imagine your struggles but it is amazing to read how many people are there to love you and surround you with support during this difficult time. In the midst of such challenges that is a huge blessing. <3
Her Heartland Soul
http://herheartlandsoul.com
Jenica Parcell says
Thank you so much, Erin! I really appreciate all of your heartfelt comments 🙂 xo
al + sar says
I have no real words except for the fact that I know exactly how you feel! Your story is soooo similar to mine. Even the starting your period thing, that is how I found out my IVF didn't work either. Infertility is such a rough road, I'm in my 5th year of trying! It's awful and horrible and not fun, but i wouldn't trade it. I've become stronger, more independent, and my husband and I are so much closer because of it. It doesn't get easier, it gets harder. But I know there is a reason for all of this! Good luck!! Xo
Jenica Parcell says
I LOVE your attitude and I feel the same way. We can let our trials build us up so we develop traits that we wouldn't have otherwise. Thank you for your positive attitude and for sharing it with me! xo
Wludyka's says
I'm not even sure how I stumbled across your blog.. My husband and I went through IVF and got pregnant with our daughter Ava and are back in the trenches for baby 2. It's so hard but God has shown up in such big ways through our journey.. And as I read your experience, it sounds like He's done the same for you! Even though I don't personally know you, know I will be praying for you and your husband!
Jenica Parcell says
Thank you so much for the prayers – and I will pray for you as well! I wish you the best and I'm so glad you have your sweet Ava! It's so good to hear success stories 🙂 xo
Domesticable says
You guys are so cute!! I'm sorry to hear about your fertility struggle! Thank you for sharing something so personal and know that my husband and I praying for you both!
Lura
X
Jenica Parcell says
Thank you so much, Lura! That means so much to me and I really appreciate you reaching out with your support 🙂 xo
Jackie O'Nast says
Thanks for sharing your journey! We've been trying for some time now with no success. We're almost to the point where we need to figure out a plan B. I find these personal experiences the most helpful. Thanks again!
Jenica Parcell says
Thank you, Jackie. I wish you the very best in figuring out what that plan B is!
Marissa says
Thank you SO much for sharing your experience so far!!! I am also struggling with infertility and it helps so much to know the details of what to expect next from someone who has been through it all. Rest up, and I will pray for you that you get your miracle baby soon! Heavenly Father answers prayers. Especially those of a righteous mother! ❤️
Jenica Parcell says
Heavenly Father absolutely answers our prayers and we definitely trust in His timing although it can be hard sometimes! xo
Ashley says
Thank you so much for bravely sharing your story! I have struggled with infertility with my second child which was very frustrating because I got pregnant with my first so quickly and easily. I had it all planned out: they would be three years apart and so on and so forth. Well, we tried for 2.5 years and finally I got my sweet girl Piper. But you know what? It has made motherhood all the more sweet because I had to wait and I recognize the miracle that it truly is to give birth. I am a much better mother because of it because I don't take any little moments for granted anymore. My sister has been going through infertility for even longer than I did, she is approaching four years now. My heart hurts so much for her and I wish I could just give her the same thing that I waited so long for. I hope you will not give up on your dreams to become a mother and know that it will be sweeter than anything in this world when you do. You will be filled with more love than you ever knew you had.
Jenica Parcell says
Thank you for sharing your story with me! I definitely think that our trials shape us and I will definitely appreciate my babies when they come. I'm wishing your sister the best as well 🙂 Thank you for your kind comments!
Anonymous says
Thank you for sharing your story Jenica, I felt like I was reading my own story and felt your heartache. It is a very difficult journey to go through, especially when there's no real explanation for "it" not to happen (I hope that makes sense). I pray you receive your blessing soon, just as I pray for my own.
Jenica Parcell says
Thank you so much. I will pray for you as well! It's hard but there are others out there who understand your pain and we can make it through! xo
Minal says
You are so brave to have gone thru all this and yet have a smile on ur face.. I dint go thru infertility but after reading ur story I know I'll have more empathy for anyone going thru these treatments. Hope you get pregnant soon xoxo
Jenica Parcell says
Thank you so much; I really appreciate that and for you letting me know that my goal of spreading a bit of awareness is working! xo
Anonymous says
As a total stranger, I just want to tell you how beautiful I thought your words and thoughts are. Hang in there. I have one child from AI, quite a few miscarriages from various attempts, and one adopted child. I truly feel that this is the family meant for us. So just try everything and then if it doesn't work, adopt. I hated people telling me that…..but just know that it is an option for you out there in the future. And the minute you do it, you will think, "why didn't we do this sooner?" And also, having one of each, I can truly tell you that the minute they put that baby in your arms, no matter how it comes, it is just the same! My "natural" child and my "adopted" child….the feelings were exactly the same. Seriously. Good luck…keep positive. I can't wait to follow your journey.
Jenica Parcell says
Thank you! I think that everything will work out the way it's supposed to 🙂 xo
Kelly Lynn says
Thank you for sharing your story! Infertility sucks! I will pray you and your husband become a family soon. I am in the mist of my 3rd IUI 4th round of drugs. I keep praying and hoping and smiling! Please do the same! You are a beautiful strong woman!!
Jenica Parcell says
Thank you!! I will pray for you as well. What a beautiful, positive attitude you have! xo
Lori says
Jenica, thank you for sharing such a personal story! I pray that Heavenly Father will continue to watch over you & your husband if/when you decide to continue with IVF. ((HUGS))
Jenica Parcell says
Thank you so much, Lori!! xo
Meg Morley says
Hi, Jenica. I'm Meg, Carey's daughter. She speaks of you so highly and after reading this I can see why. Thank you for sharing. We're all rooting for you.
Jenica Parcell says
Hi, Meg! I feel like I know you because I always talk to your mom about you and your cute family. I hope your ankle is healing well 🙂 Thank you so much for reaching out! We need to meet in person one day. I sure love your sweet mama!
Morgan Apfel says
I cannot relate at all, but I just fell in love with your story. You will get there. Saying prayers for you! xo.
Jenica Parcell says
Thank you so much, Morgan! I really appreciate that and appreciate the prayers because I know they help so much! xo
Jessica {lovely jubbly london} says
I saw an instagram photo about your post so came over to read it. Infertility is one of the hardest struggles anyone can face and only when you experience it, do you realize just how hard it is. I certainly wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. Praying for you & your husband, may your marriage be strengthened during this time. I stand in the trenches with you and pray the Lord grants us the desires of our hearts. xo
Jenica Parcell says
Thank you so much, Jessica! Your sweet thoughts made me tear up because I needed to hear that today! I really appreciate it 🙂 xo
Amanda says
I love following your blog and I just so happened to buy some of the Old Navy dresses you posted!
I saw this post and it brought tears to my eyes knowing hard it is. I have not gone down the IV route and I think my husband and I plan not too because of how tough it is, so congrats on keeping a smile on your face 🙂
I got pregnant with our first the first month we tried and had a healthy baby boy. Unfortunately we tried for a second for over a year and then found out I had endometeriosis. I had an operation for it in January to help correct as much as they could to help my chances of getting pregnant. To our surprise I fell pregnant two months later. I carried my little one for 10 weeks before we discovered at an ultra sound last week that the baby had no heart beat. It literally knocked the breath out of me hearing those words come from the doctors mouth.I just wanted to share with you, as you know, you are not alone but to trust in the Lord and the plan that he has for you and your family x I really hope you get some good news soon! They say when your not "trying" is when it happens!
Jenica Parcell says
Oh you sweet thing! I am so incredibly sorry for you! I will pray for your peace in this difficult time. You are so nice for reaching out!! xo
Briana Rider says
Im literally in tears reading your story. I am currently about to have my second iui and I am so afraid of IVF and the emotions it will cause. I loved reading your story and it's so nice to know that someone else is going through what you are. Life can be so unfair sometimes. I wish you so much luck girl!
Jenica Parcell says
Thank you SO much for reaching out, Briana! You are so sweet and I really appreciate every word. I wish I could give you a great big hug!! Best of luck to you sweet girl!
Anonymous says
My heart aches for you. Your story is like a mirror image of my own life 5 years ago. I went through the clomid, the testing, the IUIs, and finally several rounds of IVF until finally the stars aligned and God gave us our beautiful twin girls. They are 4 years old now, and I would not change anything. Even though the journey of infertility is awful and heartbreaking, please keep the faith that you WILL have the children you're meant to have, when God feels the time is right for you.
After our twins were born, we longed for one more child. We started trying again, this time on our own, to see if the infertility had "fixed" itself. I had heard so many stories of infertile couples going through IVF and then conceiving a child naturally after having their IVF babies. We tried and tried. No luck. We had 5 embryos frozen, and we were planning the "right" time (financially and emotionally) to start the process of IVF. Then last summer, I missed my period. I had spotted slightly and was convinced it was the beginning of my period, so I waited. But it didn't come. My hubby bought a pregnancy test, which I took with very little hope or enthusiasm. I was so used to being infertile that I had little hope that it would be positive. Well, it WAS positive! We were both in shock! We had our third little girl in April.
Moral of the story: nothing is impossible when it comes to infertility. Keep the faith. It will happen for you and when it does, it will be all the more miraculous and wonderful.
Much love to you. You are in my heart.
-Kristen
Jenica Parcell says
Thank you SO much for sharing, Kristen! Stories like this give me hope and I really appreciate you sharing with me. Your words have touched me so much! Thank you. xo
Anonymous says
Thank you for sharing your story. I can relate and I find comfort knowing I am not alone. I am praying for you!
Jenica Parcell says
Thank you so much for your kind words. I will pray for you as well!! xo
Anonymous says
Sending you light and love on this difficult journey! I've been dealing with infertility for 3 years and counting…I get it! Check out my blog whatthefertility.com, you'll see our stories our similar. Hugs to you sister xoxoxo
Jenica Parcell says
I just checked out your blog! Thank you so much for reaching out and for sharing your story with others so they can understand. You are amazing! Keep on keeping on 🙂 A million hugs to you!!
Anonymous says
Dearest Jenica
I'm so sorry you are also on this horrible path. I have been there and its a roller coaster! I wanted to share my own journey as it ends well – in fact there is a little person currently taunting the dog as I type.
Our journey started when we first started trying to conceive a month after we got married. We tried for 12 month with no success, before the usual specialist referral for testing. After extensive testing of the both of us the Doctor found nothing, so suggested a laproscopy to get a better look. Once inside, they found extensive endometriosis which had rearranged my reproductive organs and completely destroyed both tubes and damaged an overly. Our only option for a baby of our own was ivf. We started 6 weeks after my surgery.
Attempts one and two were both failures and I was sure it was never going to happen. Both times we only got 4 eggs and the quality was low. I was starting to lose hope. Then, before attempt 3 I did extensive research, then went back to my Dr with a list of questions. This was the beginning of the future. We took a three month break where I focused on my health and egg quality. It worked! The next ivf cycle whilst we only got 3 eggs, one is my little human and two were textbook quality frozen embryo's.
For what its worth, my advice is this:
1. Make sure your clinic is good. I'm in Australia and the clinics put their rates online – I was fortunate that my clinic has the highest success rates in the country. 50% for a fresh cycle and 70% for frozen. They also tell you from the outset that of their clients that get pregnant, 90% do within 3 attempts.
2. A lot is uncontrollable which I HATED. So I controlled what I could. In the break between cycle's 2 and 3 I worked on my egg quality. I did the 5:2 diet as it has been shown to reduce the fat around organs which helps fertility (I'm small to begin with). My Dr prescribed DHEA, however I also took 600mg of CoQ10, two 1000mg tabs of royal jelly, 5mg of folate, 2 tabs of wheatgrass and a pregnancy multivitamin. During the cycle I got massages and did lots of whole of body circulation scrubs to help with blood flow.
3. Don't be afraid to question your Dr! I did and we ended up adding an endometrial scratch. This has been shown to increase success rates. I also asked about other drugs and we ended up adding a course of human growth hormone.
4. Stay positive. I know – easier said than done. I tried to tell myself it was just a medical procedure and a means to an end. I swear once you are pregnant you will forget it.
I wish you nothing but the best and will follow your journey. If you want to email me, please comment and Ill send you a message. Unfortunately our community is a lot larger than people share. Its hard, and it sucks, but it will happen for you.
Love from Australia
xox
Anonymous says
Jenica, thank you for posting this. I am going through infertility as well and will be starting IUI treatments soon. It helps so much to hear of someone else's experience. Infertility is so isolating; especially when it seems like it's so easy for everyone but you. It's so hard not to feel like there's something wrong with you, like, fundamentally wrong with who you are, even though logically you know that isn't true. You are proof of that, of course! Hearing your story helps me so much to know I'm not alone and has really helped me feel more prepared should we need to do IVF. Thank you for being willing to share this.
Ciera & Josh Dickinson says
Here are a couple of quotes from a talk President Monson gave in the October 2013 General Conference shortly after his wife died titled "I Will Not Fail Thee, Nor Forsake Thee":
"Good timber does not grow with ease,
The stronger wind, the stronger trees.
The further sky, the greater length.
The more the storm, the more the strength.
By sun and cold, by rain and snow,
In trees and men good timbers grow."
"We know that there are times when we will experience heartbreaking sorrow, when we will grieve, and when we may be tested to our limits. However, such difficulties allow us to change for the better, to rebuild our lives in the way our Heavenly Father teaches us, and to become something different from what we were—better than we were, more understanding than we were, more empathetic than we were, with stronger testimonies than we had before."
Although I have not experienced in vitro, I have suffered a miscarriage between my 2nd and 3rd child. It was the most gut wrenching, heartbreaking trial I have experienced to date. While you may not know what the Lord has in store for you, hang in there and know that these experience will be for your good, even if it doesn't seem like it in the moment. Don't give up. Children are worth every pain, every sacrifice, and every heartache. I hope you get your baby soon, but in the meantime rely on the Lord. There will be days you don't want to, days you won't want to even speak to the Lord, and that's ok. But always come back to Him. He is the only one who can fill the void. Best of luck and blessings to you both!
Leslie McKaig (photographer) says
Ok I wrote this long comment and it disappeared..I just want to say that I will be praying for you and all of the other women struggling with infertility. We tried for two years with fertility treatments to conceive our first daughter (I have PCOS). The other thing I wanted to tell you about is a book called Trim Healthy Mamma. After implementing the way of eating that is taught in the book, I got pregnant with my second child on the first time.
You obviously look trim and don't need to lose weight, but this way of eating helps balance hormones as well. There have been many women who tried for years and years to get pregnant with no luck, but then start eating the way the book suggests and next thing you know they are pregnant. I am in no way affiliated with this book but I just try to tell every woman I know about it because it's helped so many others. Best wishes and thank you for sharing our story!
Anonymous says
Sunday's are the hardest. I stumbled across your blog through a mutual friend and I am so glad I did. Sitting here with tears but feeling comforted to know I'm not alone. Tender mercy that I found this tonight at the right time. Thank you for your story.
Anonymous says
Dang, I'm sorry for your troubles, and you are to be commended for your honesty in this blog. Take some time off, but don't throw in the towel. My girls, asleep upstairs, are thanks to IVF–one fresh, and one who waited for 2 years on ice. They are worth it.
Caroline says
It looks like from your pics we might have done our first two cycles at the same center in Utah! Small world! Thank you so much for sharing your story! We've done two fresh cycles (1st was an ectopic pregnancy -was THAT a doozy!- and 2nd was BFN. We hope to have our first FET in the winter, so thanks for writing what that's like! I'll be wishing both of us baby dust! I just know Heavenly Father will bring us children some way, somehow!
Emily says
Hi! Just came across this post. Our stories are somewhat similar. Just wanted to say hang in there. We are pregnant after our fourth round of IVF. It looks like you are also at Utah Fertility? Hopefully with Dr. Foulk..he is the best. There is always hope and there is always a way to achieve your dream of having a family. We are due in December! Best of luck!!!
Amanda Bajin says
I have followed you on Instagram enjoying your style and just found your blog. Praise the Lord! Thank you for you honesty and being so brave to share your story. After two failed IUIs, laparoscopy with an endometriosis diagnosis, a BFP on our first IvF, but a terribly sad miscarriage… All I can believe and know w that our Lord has a plan for our babies and to never give up hope. I love your letters to you baby! "You are so worth it" is the key to this rocky journey, God bless you and your strength! Xoxo
Griffin says
Wow, Jenica. This is the first time I ever checked out your blog. I've seen you on Instagram a bunch before. Want to commend you and your husband for sharing all this. For those of us that don't know infertility personally, it's really enlightening. And for those that do, I can tell they get a lot of value from it.
Amanada Miller says
Hey, great share…..
I can understand what you might be going through at that time as I have also experienced the same phase in my life few years back. It really needs a brave heart to share your story in such a platform.
In vitro fertilisation (IVF) is the best-known treatment for fertility problems. IVF can make this a reality for people who would be unable to have a baby otherwise. Your GP or fertility clinic can help you decide if it's right for you. I consulted Fertlity Solutions Sunshine Coast and it really worked for me.
Thanks for sharing this post.
femiint says
Awesome journey.. thanks for sharing
Jenica Parcell says
xoxo
medical travel czech says
The “druh lab” is crazy! It has to be true nightmare to go through it. But you look truly happy. Sending much love and blessings your way, love your writing!