3rd round of IVF Archives - A Slice of Style

To My Beautiful Child: I Haven’t Woken Up…I’m Still Pregnant!

January 4, 2016

To my beautiful child,

This past week has been a happy blur. Seriously. When you try for something for so long and then you finally get it (or closer to it), it seems strange. You get used to trying and praying and longing for something and then when that day comes, it doesn’t seem real because even though you knew that it would hopefully come one day, “one day” seemed liked it was still far away. On Monday night after we found out, I couldn’t sleep very well. I kept waking up throughout the night wondering if it was all real. We are so happy!!

I’ve been feeling so tired this week…and I LOVE that I feel so tired! I even love that I have been getting slightly nauseous sporadically. I love the shots…I love it all. Why? Because we get you!! I’m excited to see you read this when you’re older. I haven’t decided when we’ll tell you about these letters. Maybe when you’re about to have your own child? Or maybe when you’re going through a hard time and you need to be reminded about how much you are loved and wanted. We’ll know when it’s right. Tell me…how does it feel to be so wonderfully loved? The amazing thing is that I can look in the mirror and ask myself the same thing. What an incredible thing it is to know that this is how our parents felt when they were expecting us. Our niece Brynley (your cousin!) got a new puppy for Christmas and she was literally sobbing hysterically saying how happy she was. It was probably one of the cutest things I have ever seen. Grammy said, “this is exactly how you feel when you get your baby!” And that’s how I feel about you. Parenthood is a crazy thing. I have SO much to learn (obviously…right now you are teeny tiny inside of me), but there is so much sacrifice and yet the return of joy is so great. I’ve learned a lot about life in going through this trial in getting you here. Some things don’t make sense…like giving so much of yourself and then getting so much joy in return. It doesn’t seem like it should work out that way, and yet it does. God sure knew what He was doing when He created that plan.

I pulled my top pictures from Instagram a couple days ago on New Year’s eve (this app on your phone…you know what a phone is right? I mean, is that, like, totally old technology by the time you read this? Are you teleporting to your friend’s house yet?) As I was looking at them, all of the top photos were of our journey in trying to get you here. This year has been HUGE and big and scary at times. I felt uncertainty at times. But I also felt more love and joy this year than I have in my entire life. It’s through the hard times that we can find real joy. Life is strange that way. I’ve thought a lot about why I have had to go through this specific trial and I know that it’s because of what I have learned. What have I learned? I’ll tell you.

1. Family is everything. It’s why we’re here. Motherhood and fatherhood are the most beautiful roles that we can have. I always loved family and always valued my own, but I have a deeper understanding now of how absolutely precious families are. “Motherhood is not a hobby, it’s a calling. It is not something to do if you can squeeze the time in. It is what God gave you time for.” – Neil L. Anderson.

2. People are so, so good. This is what I wrote on Instagram the other night expressing my thoughts on this:

“2015
was an unexpected year filled with a lot of hard days, tears, and
shots…and I wouldn’t change anything! I learned so many important
things this year that will help me in my life. I learned how strong I am
but more importantly how big my God is. The people I’ve met, the kind
messages I’ve received from complete strangers, the prayers on our
behalf, the family and friends that have rallied around us and cried
with us…this year had so many sweet moments that wouldn’t have been
possible without the hard moments. I will always remember this
significant year and will always be grateful for it and for what we did
to grow our family and for those who carried us and brought us light in
the dark. Thank you all for being such beautiful, great examples to me
of love. The world is filled with so many good people and I am humbled
that I have been the recipient of so much goodness. Thank you, thank
you, thank you! I have read each heartfelt comment and have been so
touched by your selflessness. I just re-read many of your comments on
the post that I announced my pregnancy and my heart is bursting! Wishing
you the best New Year!!”

3. We can see so much joy in moments of hardship. If I didn’t go through this, I wouldn’t have seen so much beauty and goodness in other people. I wouldn’t have received flowers on my doorstep from my new friend who I had just met two weeks prior. I wouldn’t have received a necklace in the mail of good luck from a friend who had struggled with infertility for over 10 years. I wouldn’t have received messages from complete strangers telling me that they cried with happiness when they found out I was pregnant. These things are so beautiful and I’m grateful that I got to see the pure, precious hearts of these people. They make me want to do better and be more because each act of kindness does truly matter and does get noticed. Each act of kindness makes a huge impact on the recipient.

4. The biggest and most important lesson that I learned is that my Savior literally carried me through the hard days. We don’t have to go through life alone. He sent me people when I needed them and He eased the heartache. When I remembered to give my burdens to Him, my days went by so much easier. He carries us if we only let Him in! That’s easy to forget but it changes our lives.

So…what have I been up to this week? Well, several things really. I’ll list the things that have taken most of my time:

1. Giving Google a run for it’s money. I’m sorry if I’m the reason they start charging you per search. I’m abusing it. I have so many questions about pregnancy and how other people are feeling, what’s normal, HCG levels…you name it.

2. Sleeping. I have taken at least one nap every day and I feel so good about it. My job is to make sure I’m rested and taking really good care of myself? DONE.

3. Looking at the “What to Expect When You’re Expecting” app on my phone….multiple times per day. When you log in and as it’s loading, a little baby crawls in the middle of the screen. How cute is that? It tells me how big my baby is, what is developing and what my body is going through. I literally re-read each paragraph at least 3 times…because I’M PREGNANT AND I CAN!!!

4. Eat. I have gained 5 pounds since I started this first round of IVF. I’m trying to be an over-achiever so I figured why not pack on as many pounds as possible? Bring on the chocolate cake and donuts!!! Kidding. I’m trying to eat healthy but sometimes I need a snack…after my other snack. I had a protein bar this morning when I woke up, a green smoothie for my snack…and then cereal, a roll and animal crackers. So…you win some you lose some. This was all before 1 pm.

I went to visit my grandpa last week for his birthday and brought him a variety of dark chocolate (the love of dark chocolate must be genetic) and he gave me a big hug and said, “it sure is nice hugging two at one time!” Oh he’s so cute. Everyone has made me feel so special and loved. I got so many messages from family and friends, and sweet people I’ve never met that were thrilled for us. I still can’t believe how loved and special we have felt this week. I can never adequately express my gratitude, but just know that my heart feels like it’s going to burst sometimes.

We went to dinner at grandpa’s house tonight and my cousin Whitney announced that she was pregnant too!! She is one month ahead of us. We talked about how grandma is keeping you guys company up there right now. What a lovely, special thought. My aunt (on the other side) also sent a text to me on the night we found out we were pregnant. She said that my Aunt Ceri who passed away many years ago from cancer was born on September 5th, your due date. My aunt texted me and wondered if my Aunt Ceri had anything to do with your arrival on such a special day. We have angels that surround us.

You’re as big as an orange seed!! You grew from the size of a poppyseed to an orange seed in one week. GOOD JOB little one!

You’re worth it!

Mom

The baby wanted sparkling red grape in a fancy cup…so that’s what the baby got! Look how tired my face is ha ha. I took a nap RIGHT after 🙂

Aquarium fun with my family. The shark tunnel was so cool!

Your dad playing the kid’s section. Now we just need you to join him!

Taking grandpa for a birthday spin 🙂

Your dad cut his finger while trying to open our snow shoes with a knife. 5 stitches in the ER! He hasn’t complained about it ONCE. He is so tough. Except when I accidentally kicked in when we were lying at opposite ends of the couch. #mybad

First breakfast of 2016!

Snow shoeing dreamland. I love being outside.

Our Parcell Sunday Selfie outtakes. I forgot about our pictures when we got home and immediately changed. Your dad got home later and stayed in his church clothes to take our pictures! I was in a church meeting (we met at my house) and he after my meeting I walked out and he said, “What about our Sunday Selfie?” He waited to change to take them. I love that guy. SO much. Comfort is King in this pregnancy, apparently!! I also simply forgot. Pregnancy brain? I’ll take it.

SO bright but he said that we could use these ones cause he didn’t care ha ha 🙂

Sunday dinner at grandpa’s. We sure love him. Tyler put his beanie on his head and grandpa rolled with it.

To My Beautiful Child: I’M PREGNANT!!!

December 29, 2015

To my beautiful child,

TODAY IS THE HAPPIEST DAY OF MY WHOLE LIFE!!! We have planned for you, tried for you, shed tears for you, dreamed about you, talked about you, smiled thinking about you, given myself a couple hundred shots for you, done dozens of blood draws for you, so many ultrasounds for you, hundreds of prayers for you…and now you’re going to be here with us next year!!!

I woke up today feeling SO anxious! I knew that if we got a negative pregnancy test, this was going to be a really, really tough day and a tough journey ahead of us. Everything pointed to “yes” this time. We removed the polyps from my uterus so there is a good environment now. I took the human growth hormone to strengthen my eggs. I had neupogen put into my uterus to strengthen the lining and make it extra sticky. If it didn’t work this time, I didn’t know what to do next. I prayed to my Heavenly Father to please let me get pregnant…but at the same time I told Him that I would be okay with whatever journey He wants us to take. But I really wanted a baby!! So I hoped He would keep that in mind 😉 In all seriousness, it has been a bit hard for me. He knows we want to be parents. There is a fine line between trusting in His plan for us and wanting something so badly. I know that He has a plan for us that is better than we can see. I’m glad I’ve had this trial because I have grown so, so, SO much.

I went into work and tried to act normal and tried to make calls and go through my routine. I was SO nervous!! I was literally a little bit shaky and sweaty. My sweet friends at work have been so supportive. It has made this 3rd IVF cycle so much easier. They make me cry with their thoughtfulness! I have literally recieved hundreds of comments from good people who don’t know me but who are rooting for us, pray for us, and want to see us happy. Even if I learned nothing else, and I was the recipient of so much goodness, that would have been enough for me to go through this. It has been so incredibly beautiful to see how good people are. This world can seem like such a crazy, tough place, but when you see a perfect stranger telling you that they have checked back onto your social media all day because they are anxious for the good news, it changes the way you see the world. I am crying right now thinking about it!! These people have changed me for the better. Their comments mean more to me and have more impact than they’ll be able to know. This has given me new perspective in this life and the impact that one sentence can have for the good has been incredible for me witness. One soul can change your life, or even just your day, and the importance of that is not lost on me. I’m so incredibly grateful that I have gone through this so that I can see that.

I left work at 11:40 to get my blood drawn. My appointment was at 11:45 (I work SO close to the fertility center which is such a blessing). I walked in, luckily got my favorite phlebotomist to draw my blood, and saw my favorite ultrasound tech Ashley who gave me a big hug! She got engaged on the night that we did our transfer, and she texted me, “today was a good day! You got silver and gold, and I got diamonds!” Your dad had joked with her that if we had twins, we would name them silver and gold because that Christmas song was playing in the room during our transfer.

I went home for lunch afterward and starting crying. So many emotions!! I started thinking about what it would feel like if they called me later and told me that I was pregnant. I was sobbing! Ashley called me to tell me about her engagement because I texted her that I wanted to know all about it, and she said that she would try to be the one who called me to tell me the news. I told her that I really wanted her to be the one so she said she would try her best! When I’ve received my other calls, it has been closer to 5 pm so I didn’t expect to get a call much earlier than that.

I went back to work and was just about to make a call that I had scheduled at 1:30 pm when I saw Ashley’s phone number calling my phone. I answered and said, “hello?” She said, “this is Ashley…do you want to know the news?” And I said, “no, call me back later.” JUST KIDDING!!! I had originally planned to get up and walk out so I could be in private but I couldn’t move. It was like I was paralyzed! All of my sweet friends were looking at me. Ashley said, “you’re pregnant!!” I said something like, “oh my gosh, are you serious?!!!” It took me a minute to process and I don’t really feel like I heard that much. My brain didn’t believe it was true! I had to call her back later and get some information because I couldn’t remember what she had said. My brain checked out as soon as I knew I was pregnant! I started crying and thanked her.

My friends were all crying around me too!! They are so kind to care so much about it. I’m just so touched at the outpouring of love that we have received. I’ll never get over it. I called your dad and starting sobbing and when he answered I said, “guess what?!” and he said, “what?” and I said, “you’re going to be a dad!!” He was so happy. I could hear the relief in his voice. I hung up with him and called my mom twice and she didn’t answer!! Horrible timing ha ha! Then I called Aunt Jocelyn and she was squeeling and crying because she was so excited!! I then got back on the phone with Tyler and we conference called his mom (your Grammy). She started crying! Then we got a hold of my mom and she was so excited and crying too!! We couldn’t get a hold of a few our family members (my dad, Popsy, aunt Katelyn and uncle Casey). We eventually got a hold of the rest of your dad’s siblings and the in-laws and it was so sweet to hear everyone cry and be so happy and excited for us!!! We sent a big group text to all of my step-siblings so they would all find out at the same time and we were doing a group text at the time anyway. We called my friend’s Oakley and Courtney and texted lots and lots of friends and family. Their sweet messages back to us were so special!! People kept telling us that they were crying and so happy for us!

Many, many prayers were answered today. We are beyond overjoyed. This is the best day of my entire life so far, and your birthday will be the only thing that can top this. Your daddy and I want you here with us SO much!! You are so, so, so loved little one. Oh, you just can’t even imagine.

My HCG score is 524 and my due date is September 5th. What a beautiful birthdate!! I will go in again next Monday to get my HCG levels tested again with a blood draw, and 3 weeks later we will go in for an ultrasound to find out if we are having 1 baby or 2 babies. I am 4 weeks and 1 day along 🙂

We love you more than you could ever know. I’m grateful to my Heavenly Father for allowing me to go down this path because my heart has grown and I have experienced so many wonderful things. I’m grateful to my Savior for helping me carry the burden and making it light when I couldn’t handle it on my own.

You’re worth it!!

Mama

A few minutes after I found out!!

The blood draw to tell us our fate 🙂 Yikes!!!

To My Beautiful Child: The Wait!

December 28, 2015

To my beautiful child,

I have been wanting to write you all week but the Christmas festivities have taken over! This has been good timing because it has been a good distraction. Waiting 10 days is to find out if the IVF worked is somewhat tortuous. I’ve always said that my virtues do not include patience. Maybe I shouldn’t have admitted that out loud because this trial in getting you here has definitely been trying to teach me that. I’ve learned my lesson, okay?! 🙂 In all seriousness, I’m grateful for our trials in experiencing this because I certainly have learned a lot and I know I’ve grown into a more empathetic person which will serve me well in this life.

So…we did the IVF transfer a week and two days ago. On Christmas eve, I started spotting a little which made me nervous. I have given Google a run for it’s money and I know that spotting in the first trimester can be normal. I also talked your grandma (my mama) and she assured me that it can be common. I had quite a bit more spotting yesterday as well but it doesn’t feel like a normal period at all and today I haven’t seen much besides the progesterone suppository coming out a bit which is normal. Side note – what if you’re a boy and you have to read all of this? HA! This will be an education for you, son. Hey…I used to think a lot of this information was TMI but we all get here in the same way. Well…sort of…many of your friends will not have been created in a lab…but you know what I mean. The symptoms of pregnancy, conception and growing our family shouldn’t be a taboo conversation. Plus, if you are a boy and you read all of this, you’ll only be more prepared when you become a husband. Also…it will be slightly hilarious to watch your face as you read all of this. I’m, like, such a nice mom.

During the last week my other symptoms have included really sore breasts (this happened to me last time though, and can be a side effect of estrogen and progesterone shots I’m on). I’ve also felt little twinges in my ovaries, and random little cramps in my abdomen. That’s the only way that I can describe it. I have also been extremely tired and have taken a nap almost every single day. All of this can be side effects of my injections, though, so I’m trying not to get my hopes up based on those things.

Another symptom is the fact that I can’t seem to want to wear anything other than my black stretchy pants…so there’s that. When you can wear clothes that feel like pajamas, where do you find the motivation to wear anything different? You get back to me on that.

My friend Susan (the beautiful woman that I haven’t ever met but that writes me an encouraging email every single day), wrote me this the day after our transfer last week, “I want you to know that at 1:35 pm Utah time (3:35pm
PA time) section 18-20-13 of the WVU Coliseum joined me and my family
to pray for you and Tyler…YES…25 complete strangers, and my new
friends, prayed for you!” She was at her son’s graduation ceremony and she had the courage to ask complete strangers to pray for us!! This brought me to tears. I was honestly blown away. The people that have touched my life through this experience have made me want to be bolder and stronger about my faith. We have truly felt the prayers and I am going to look for more opportunities to pray for people because it works and our Savior carries our burdens with us.

Your dad is so cute and I can’t even handle thinking about what it feel like to watch him hold you and love you. Just a few minutes ago as I was standing next to him as he was sitting at the table, he put his head to my belly and said, “come on little guy, stick to your mama! Stick to your mama!” He’s said so many little things that have melted my heart. We don’t know if we’ll get one baby, two babies, or not get any babies from this IVF round, but it sure is fun to dream about it. He sent me a text the other day that had four hearts. He said, “one heart for you, one heart for me, one heart for baby girl one, one heart for baby girl number two.” Talk about a heart melter!! He was making me laugh when I overheard him talking to his mom (Grammy) the other day. He said that he thought if we have twins that it would be best to have two girls because he was worried about going to the principal’s office in school too much if we have twin boys. He said, “can you imagine if Drew and I were the same age? We got in enough trouble as it is!” Ha ha I love it. Truthfully though, both of us want a baby. We don’t care if we get a boy or girl, twins or one baby. We will love you so much.

I’ve still been completely touched and overwhelmed by the amount of support we have gotten from our friends and family, but also from complete strangers. I get messages a lot from people that say things that I really need to hear. I just re-read a message earlier today that reminded me that we may want something so badly but God has the best plan for us and He is preparing us for something better. He puts experiences in our lives that we never imagined we would have to go through and it’s important to have patience.

I go in tomorrow for my blood draw at 11:45 am and then a nurse will call me with the results any time before 5 pm. Yeah….talk about a killer wait. I’m really nervous about it, but at the same time, I try to remind myself that everything will work out the way that it’s supposed to be. I really want to hold a sweet, chubby baby in my arms next year. I’ve never wanted it so badly, but I’m also grateful for what I have experienced thus far and what I have yet to experience because I truly treasure the family unit more. I really value motherhood and fatherhood. I think that I needed to go through this to help me gain a deeper appreciation and I know that I’ll be happier in the long run because I know I won’t take it for granted.

Well….we love you so much, baby!! I want you to always remember how desperately your parents wanted you here. Your mama would give herself a million shots to you get here, and it’s worth all the bruises and the pain. You’re precious to us.

You’re worth it!

Mom

Our Parcell Sunday Selfie outtakes from today 🙂

It was -11 degrees last night up on Oakley at grandma and grandpa Camp’s house! I thought that was of note 🙂

Your cute grandma by her tree that we helped find:

The beautiful mountains have been covered in fresh, white snow lately! I can’t get over how pretty they are.

Ugly sweater parties. Enough said.

Decorating and hosting Christmas dinner at our house this year for my side of the family was a really good distraction from the wait in finding out if we are pregnant or not!