To my beautiful child,
I’m writing this at 6:30 am. My alarm doesn’t go off until 6:45 but I have been up since 6 so I decided to write you this letter that I wanted to write last night. I read the other day that Progesterone injections can cause insomnia and I thought, “that’s so nice that I don’t have that side effect.” And now I haven’t slept in past 6 am the last few days…so that’s nice!
These last few days have been a roller coaster! I woke up yesterday morning feeling a bit down. And then I felt guilty for feeling down…and then I forced myself not to feel guilty (see what I mean by roller coaster?) because I’m going through a really hard thing and it’s okay to feel down sometimes! I mean, I don’t wallow in self pity by any means, but if I want to spend a few minutes feeling a bit discouraged by the big trial I’ve been going through, that’s okay and it’s normal. I sometimes feel guilty because in the grand scheme of my life, I think I have it very, very good. It’s okay to be sad for a little bit though for something that I hold so dear to my heart; family. It’s the most important thing in life and I want you here with us. The physical and emotional burden takes it’s toll at times.
I finally got out of bed yesterday morning at about 6:45 and while taking a shower, I started thinking about the village that has helped us throughout this process, and all of the kind and generous gestures. I’m so grateful. And note to self: if you ever need to sob, doing it in the shower is a great place to do it. Run your face under the water when you’re done, and voila! Tears gone, no mascara that smeared everywhere. I mean, if you really need to blow your nose I’m sure you can just do it in there too. I couldn’t bring myself to do it, but I’m not one to judge if you do. I think it feels good to cry sometimes. There are so many emotions, both good and bad, bitter and grateful, that escape my body when I cry. I feel a lot better afterward and can move right along with my day!
One of the nice things is that I am fully aware that feeling the entire human emotional spectrum in a matter of minutes is due to the wide range of medication that I am currently on. Let’s take a peak, shall we?
1. Baby aspirin – so my blood doesn’t clot from all of the other medication. Now that’s a pleasant thought!
2. Pre-natal vitamins – this is normal…I have taken these for years. But still. They must be counted.
3. Thyroid medication – when doing my initial infertility testing, my original doctor found out that my thyroid was off. Every morning, at least 30 minutes before I eat, I have to take a thyroid pill to help me maintain normal levels. This is hereditary; my mom and grandma have this issue as well. The only difficult part about finding this out was knowing that I had to wait 30 minutes every morning to eat after I woke up. I mean, I was the baby that went straight from the crib to the highchair and I haven’t change a bit with age. My mom would try to change my diaper before she put me in the high chair and I would throw a big fit (I mean, a girl’s gotta eat) so she eventually stopped trying and I’ve been a perfect angel ever since. We all know the key to my heart. The first thing my mom and your daddy did when they found out was laugh and say, “how can you wait 30 whole minutes in the morning to eat?!” I like food, okay? As Chris Farley put it so eloquently, “Lay off me!! I’m starving!!!”
4. Progesterone injection – 1 ml in the booty every morning. If I do get pregnant, these will continue until I’m 12 weeks. Your dad is getting good at these and is considering quitting his job in insurance and becoming a nurse.
5. Estradiol valerate injection – .15 ml in the booty every Tuesday and Friday nights.
6. Medrol – two pills in the morning and two pills at night for 4 days this week. This is a steroid. I forgot why they are giving it to me so I looked it up and the definition said this, “ A steroid which is sometimes given to transiently suppress immune function during the interval following retrieval and transfer up to the time of implantation.” The good news is, after reading that, I still don’t know why they are giving it to me.
7. Z Pack antibiotics – every day for 5 days to make sure I don’t have an infection anywhere before transfer on Friday.
So…if I do anything a little irrational, or basically do anything out of the ordinary, I feel completely comfortable saying, “YOU WOULD TOO!!!” to strike fear in the heart of whoever dared poke the dragon.
Here are some things I got annoyed about yesterday:
– Leaving dinner last night, my mom and I were standing in front of the door. Some people tried to get out of the door. We had to move. The audacity! How dare they!
– I overheard someone else getting annoyed at something. Seriously?! I’m the only one allowed to do that.
– And that’s all that I can think of right now but I’m positive there were more.
It was snowing like crazy when I was headed home last night, and when I got home, your dad and I took a spin around the neighborhood on our ATV, sliding all around in the snow. Except it didn’t slide around that much which we were both impressed with because my car barely made it up the little hill since it was so icy. We both bundled up with two coats, beanies, gloves, etc. We saw some parents on a 4-wheeler pulling their kids behind it on a sled. Your dad kept saying that if we had kids, we would be doing that too and I smiled at the thought. When we got home, your dad asked me to do a snow angel…so naturally I made the best snow angel this world has ever known. We danced around in the snow, holding hands. It sounds so goofy but it was fun to act like a kid again. Being an adult too much can start to weigh you down so I think that playing and feeling wonder is good for the soul. It was so peaceful and quiet as the snow was gently falling. Your dad has the best view of the world, and I often have people tell me that he is a big child, but in the best way. He knows how to play. He doesn’t let the cares of the world weigh him down and he is so good about living in the moment and not worrying. I love that I have his influence in my life. He helps me to see the world through bright, happy eyes. Before I went to bed, I peaked out the round window in our laundry room and saw that the world was still. The snow was falling peacefully and the huge icicles were sparkling from our roof. I felt small in this big world, in the best way. I felt cozy in my warm house.
Tomorrow is the big transfer day. We have lots of people rooting and praying for us, and many people who will be involved tomorrow. My eyes got teary as I wrote that because I’m so touched at how many people care for us. It has healed my heart and helped me stay positive and happy. To name a few; the embryologist, our great doctor, my favorite ultrasound tech, and the man who does my acupuncture. I’m going in to see him at 12, and then he’s going to meet me at the fertility center and do it again right after transfer. People are so good!
We love you and hope we get to meet you soon. We are going to have so much fun together!! Life is so hard and you’re going to have some incredible challenges to face, but we’ll do it together. My sweet friend Susan (I’ve never met her but she treats me like her own and writes me a beautiful prayer and motivational thought every morning) said this recently and I loved it, “The giant in front of you is never bigger than the God who lives in you.” I know you’ll be coming from God’s arms to ours. His arms are much better but we’ll fight together to get back to Him and He’ll be with us every step.
You’re worth it all.
After your Aunt Jocelyn’s birthday dinner the other night! I couldn’t stop laughing.
I wanted to take some pictures of your dad but he said he just wanted to take pictures of me! I promise I’m not that vain.