To my beautiful child,
Today was kind of a hard day. It started out really well and I was happy, but it ended a little rough. Your dad and I went to pick up our first medication today. Our insurance doesn’t cover Omnitrope (human growth hormone) because it hasn’t been FDA approved for fertility, but our doctor said that he has used it many times to help the quality of the eggs in women who have endometriosis. It was almost $1,000. Ouch. I kept having nightmares of me dropping the little bottles and having them splash on the ground. I transferred the package really carefully to the fridge when I got home.
We picked up the medication through the drive through and sighed really heavily. And then I sighed again. Dad looked over and rubbed my arm and said, “it’s okay! We’re going to get you through this. I think we should put a picture of a cute baby right here (pointing to my dashboard). It won’t be hard to find a good one because you love all babies. And then we’ll write, “#goals” on it.” I started laughing. A deep laugh that feels so good. He always knows how to make me laugh when I’m feeling overwhelmed and I really think that laughter is the best medicine. There aren’t many things that feel better than a good laugh. I’m glad I married him because he understands that I need that.
I’m trying to get over the guilty feelings that I feel when I have a hard time. It’s easy for me to feel guilty when I have a bad day because in the grand scheme of things, I have so much to be grateful for. I really, really do and there isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t thank my Heavenly Father for the incredible life that I have been given. I have to remind myself that I’m not ungrateful when I feel sad or scared. I’m human. We all feel those things. The sad feelings today snuck up on me and sometimes it feels good to let the tears fall. I told myself that it’s okay to feel those feelings of fear of sadness. I just know the road ahead in the next few months will be hard so I shouldn’t expect myself to be strong all of the time. Since I know what I’m heading into this time because I’ve been through it before, I know this time how hard it’s going to be. Last time I was blissfully clueless. It’s like walking into a fire for the first time, not knowing what to expect, and then walking through again knowing how bad it burned you last time.
I got home from work today to a sweet letter in the mail from VoNique (the woman I did the fundraiser for). She thanked me for heading up the fundraiser and it was so kind. I really feel like I benefited just as much as she did. It’s healing for me to help others in this process. That’s one of the reasons I think we experience hard times in this life; so that when others need our help or we need their help, we have tangible experiences to help pull us through.
When I walked in the door, I told myself that I would treat myself to an hour of TV. I don’t watch TV that much these days because it rots your brain out (at least that’s what I’m going to tell you ;)). I didn’t learn and grow or become a better person while I watched it. I didn’t accomplish anything big. I did, however, zone out for a bit and sometimes that’s all we need. Sometimes all we need is a little pat on the back (from ourselves) that says, “it’s okay that you had a bad day. It’s okay to feel sad for a little bit. You’re trying your best.” And then you pick yourself back up and you keep going. And I’m learning that it’s okay to have a hard day and tomorrow is a new day. We all need to be a little bit more gentle with ourselves.
Love you the most.
You’re worth it,
Mom
p.s.
When I went to take a picture of the crazy expensive medication so that everyone could see it, I noticed that Christ’s picture was in the background of the picture and I smiled and kind of laughed. He’s always there and I know that He always hears our concerns, sees our tears and feels our sad hearts. We don’t have to do it alone. What a wonderful reminder!
Margot says
October 6, 2015 at 2:20 amHey, Jenica! I'm so glad I stumbled upon this post today. I wanted to stop in and encourage you. I know it's hard. Having gone through one failed ivf after another and experiencing devastating losses along the way, I sit here staring at our miracle baby girl, born 15 days ago. For us, it was surrogacy that brought her to our arms. Everyone has a different path to get there but one important thing to remember (that you already know!) is that you WILL get there. Not knowing the when or the how kind of freed me a bit, just to trust in God that it would happen. The desire to be a mother was there because I would become one. I love the letter to your beautiful child. I wrote weekly letters to my baby during our pregnancy and I'm so glad I did. And you're right. It's all worth it. Worth every single penny, medication, tear, minute. Hang in there and I'm praying for you in your upcoming cycle!!! Xoxo, Margot
Jenica Parcell says
October 7, 2015 at 1:41 pmCongratulations!! I'm so happy your got your sweet baby! I hope you're doing well and recovering. Thank you for the encouragement! You're so sweet 🙂
Briana Rider says
October 6, 2015 at 2:22 amHi Jenica,
I was wondering if your doctors recommended acupuncture ? I'm getting ready for ivf and they recommended I start acupuncture asap. Any thoughts ?!
Jenica Parcell says
October 7, 2015 at 1:39 pmYes, my doctor said that it really helped people, especially those that are high anxiety! I'm going to my first appointment today 🙂
Cynthia says
October 6, 2015 at 3:18 amI am so glad you are talking about this. I find infertility is something no one talks about and everyone expects to never encounter. Yet when someone doesn't have a child the world questions why don't you like anyone can have one and it is no big deal. So frustrating! I was 18 when I found out I have a low chance of conceiving naturally and since then it is amazing the number of women infertility impacts. Thanks for sharing your journey.
Jenica Parcell says
October 7, 2015 at 1:39 pmThank you so much for the encouragement, I really appreciate it!! xo
Erin Fairchild says
October 6, 2015 at 3:43 amSending love your way!!
Her Heartland Soul
http://herheartlandsoul.com
Anonymous says
October 6, 2015 at 4:18 amRough, sad day for me too today. I needed to read this today. Thank you!
Jenica Parcell says
October 7, 2015 at 1:40 pmI'm so glad I could help in some way. I hope that your day is better today!
Nat{natyouraveragegirl} says
October 6, 2015 at 9:40 pmI found you on instagram. we start our first round of ivf next cycle and of course we aren't covered by insurance either. sigh. but i'm with you girl…it will be worth it! i blog about my struggles too over at http://www.natyouraveragegirl.blogspot.com. Click on the "infertility" tag if you're interested in our journey. I'm following you now for sure! it helps when you are in this together.
Jenica Parcell says
October 7, 2015 at 1:40 pmI wish you the very best!! I will definitely check out your blog as well. No fun but we can make it through and it will be worth it in the end. Much love to you!
Anonymous says
October 7, 2015 at 3:54 amWhen I saw the picture, Christ's picture was the first thing I noticed! I love it! Do you mind sharing where you got it?
Good luck with your next round of IVF.
Jenica Parcell says
October 7, 2015 at 1:42 pmCrazy, huh? He's always there! I got it at Deseret Book. Thank you so much!
Tresca says
October 9, 2015 at 6:24 pm"We truly NEED Him every hour, whether they be hours of Sunshine, or Rain." ~ Thomas S. Monson
You're doing GREAT