To my beautiful child,
This past week has been a happy blur. Seriously. When you try for something for so long and then you finally get it (or closer to it), it seems strange. You get used to trying and praying and longing for something and then when that day comes, it doesn’t seem real because even though you knew that it would hopefully come one day, “one day” seemed liked it was still far away. On Monday night after we found out, I couldn’t sleep very well. I kept waking up throughout the night wondering if it was all real. We are so happy!!
I’ve been feeling so tired this week…and I LOVE that I feel so tired! I even love that I have been getting slightly nauseous sporadically. I love the shots…I love it all. Why? Because we get you!! I’m excited to see you read this when you’re older. I haven’t decided when we’ll tell you about these letters. Maybe when you’re about to have your own child? Or maybe when you’re going through a hard time and you need to be reminded about how much you are loved and wanted. We’ll know when it’s right. Tell me…how does it feel to be so wonderfully loved? The amazing thing is that I can look in the mirror and ask myself the same thing. What an incredible thing it is to know that this is how our parents felt when they were expecting us. Our niece Brynley (your cousin!) got a new puppy for Christmas and she was literally sobbing hysterically saying how happy she was. It was probably one of the cutest things I have ever seen. Grammy said, “this is exactly how you feel when you get your baby!” And that’s how I feel about you. Parenthood is a crazy thing. I have SO much to learn (obviously…right now you are teeny tiny inside of me), but there is so much sacrifice and yet the return of joy is so great. I’ve learned a lot about life in going through this trial in getting you here. Some things don’t make sense…like giving so much of yourself and then getting so much joy in return. It doesn’t seem like it should work out that way, and yet it does. God sure knew what He was doing when He created that plan.
I pulled my top pictures from Instagram a couple days ago on New Year’s eve (this app on your phone…you know what a phone is right? I mean, is that, like, totally old technology by the time you read this? Are you teleporting to your friend’s house yet?) As I was looking at them, all of the top photos were of our journey in trying to get you here. This year has been HUGE and big and scary at times. I felt uncertainty at times. But I also felt more love and joy this year than I have in my entire life. It’s through the hard times that we can find real joy. Life is strange that way. I’ve thought a lot about why I have had to go through this specific trial and I know that it’s because of what I have learned. What have I learned? I’ll tell you.
1. Family is everything. It’s why we’re here. Motherhood and fatherhood are the most beautiful roles that we can have. I always loved family and always valued my own, but I have a deeper understanding now of how absolutely precious families are. “Motherhood is not a hobby, it’s a calling. It is not something to do if you can squeeze the time in. It is what God gave you time for.” – Neil L. Anderson.
2. People are so, so good. This is what I wrote on Instagram the other night expressing my thoughts on this:
“2015
was an unexpected year filled with a lot of hard days, tears, and
shots…and I wouldn’t change anything! I learned so many important
things this year that will help me in my life. I learned how strong I am
but more importantly how big my God is. The people I’ve met, the kind
messages I’ve received from complete strangers, the prayers on our
behalf, the family and friends that have rallied around us and cried
with us…this year had so many sweet moments that wouldn’t have been
possible without the hard moments. I will always remember this
significant year and will always be grateful for it and for what we did
to grow our family and for those who carried us and brought us light in
the dark. Thank you all for being such beautiful, great examples to me
of love. The world is filled with so many good people and I am humbled
that I have been the recipient of so much goodness. Thank you, thank
you, thank you! I have read each heartfelt comment and have been so
touched by your selflessness. I just re-read many of your comments on
the post that I announced my pregnancy and my heart is bursting! Wishing
you the best New Year!!”
was an unexpected year filled with a lot of hard days, tears, and
shots…and I wouldn’t change anything! I learned so many important
things this year that will help me in my life. I learned how strong I am
but more importantly how big my God is. The people I’ve met, the kind
messages I’ve received from complete strangers, the prayers on our
behalf, the family and friends that have rallied around us and cried
with us…this year had so many sweet moments that wouldn’t have been
possible without the hard moments. I will always remember this
significant year and will always be grateful for it and for what we did
to grow our family and for those who carried us and brought us light in
the dark. Thank you all for being such beautiful, great examples to me
of love. The world is filled with so many good people and I am humbled
that I have been the recipient of so much goodness. Thank you, thank
you, thank you! I have read each heartfelt comment and have been so
touched by your selflessness. I just re-read many of your comments on
the post that I announced my pregnancy and my heart is bursting! Wishing
you the best New Year!!”
3. We can see so much joy in moments of hardship. If I didn’t go through this, I wouldn’t have seen so much beauty and goodness in other people. I wouldn’t have received flowers on my doorstep from my new friend who I had just met two weeks prior. I wouldn’t have received a necklace in the mail of good luck from a friend who had struggled with infertility for over 10 years. I wouldn’t have received messages from complete strangers telling me that they cried with happiness when they found out I was pregnant. These things are so beautiful and I’m grateful that I got to see the pure, precious hearts of these people. They make me want to do better and be more because each act of kindness does truly matter and does get noticed. Each act of kindness makes a huge impact on the recipient.
4. The biggest and most important lesson that I learned is that my Savior literally carried me through the hard days. We don’t have to go through life alone. He sent me people when I needed them and He eased the heartache. When I remembered to give my burdens to Him, my days went by so much easier. He carries us if we only let Him in! That’s easy to forget but it changes our lives.
So…what have I been up to this week? Well, several things really. I’ll list the things that have taken most of my time:
1. Giving Google a run for it’s money. I’m sorry if I’m the reason they start charging you per search. I’m abusing it. I have so many questions about pregnancy and how other people are feeling, what’s normal, HCG levels…you name it.
2. Sleeping. I have taken at least one nap every day and I feel so good about it. My job is to make sure I’m rested and taking really good care of myself? DONE.
3. Looking at the “What to Expect When You’re Expecting” app on my phone….multiple times per day. When you log in and as it’s loading, a little baby crawls in the middle of the screen. How cute is that? It tells me how big my baby is, what is developing and what my body is going through. I literally re-read each paragraph at least 3 times…because I’M PREGNANT AND I CAN!!!
4. Eat. I have gained 5 pounds since I started this first round of IVF. I’m trying to be an over-achiever so I figured why not pack on as many pounds as possible? Bring on the chocolate cake and donuts!!! Kidding. I’m trying to eat healthy but sometimes I need a snack…after my other snack. I had a protein bar this morning when I woke up, a green smoothie for my snack…and then cereal, a roll and animal crackers. So…you win some you lose some. This was all before 1 pm.
I went to visit my grandpa last week for his birthday and brought him a variety of dark chocolate (the love of dark chocolate must be genetic) and he gave me a big hug and said, “it sure is nice hugging two at one time!” Oh he’s so cute. Everyone has made me feel so special and loved. I got so many messages from family and friends, and sweet people I’ve never met that were thrilled for us. I still can’t believe how loved and special we have felt this week. I can never adequately express my gratitude, but just know that my heart feels like it’s going to burst sometimes.
We went to dinner at grandpa’s house tonight and my cousin Whitney announced that she was pregnant too!! She is one month ahead of us. We talked about how grandma is keeping you guys company up there right now. What a lovely, special thought. My aunt (on the other side) also sent a text to me on the night we found out we were pregnant. She said that my Aunt Ceri who passed away many years ago from cancer was born on September 5th, your due date. My aunt texted me and wondered if my Aunt Ceri had anything to do with your arrival on such a special day. We have angels that surround us.
You’re as big as an orange seed!! You grew from the size of a poppyseed to an orange seed in one week. GOOD JOB little one!
You’re worth it!
xo
Mom
The baby wanted sparkling red grape in a fancy cup…so that’s what the baby got! Look how tired my face is ha ha. I took a nap RIGHT after 🙂
Aquarium fun with my family. The shark tunnel was so cool!
Your dad playing the kid’s section. Now we just need you to join him!
Taking grandpa for a birthday spin 🙂
Your dad cut his finger while trying to open our snow shoes with a knife. 5 stitches in the ER! He hasn’t complained about it ONCE. He is so tough. Except when I accidentally kicked in when we were lying at opposite ends of the couch. #mybad
First breakfast of 2016!
Snow shoeing dreamland. I love being outside.
Our Parcell Sunday Selfie outtakes. I forgot about our pictures when we got home and immediately changed. Your dad got home later and stayed in his church clothes to take our pictures! I was in a church meeting (we met at my house) and he after my meeting I walked out and he said, “What about our Sunday Selfie?” He waited to change to take them. I love that guy. SO much. Comfort is King in this pregnancy, apparently!! I also simply forgot. Pregnancy brain? I’ll take it.
SO bright but he said that we could use these ones cause he didn’t care ha ha 🙂
Sunday dinner at grandpa’s. We sure love him. Tyler put his beanie on his head and grandpa rolled with it.
I found your blog yesterday and I'm SO HAPPY I DID! We're in Payson but we see Dr Foulk also. After 4 years of trying, we finally did 4 iui's, had a chemical pregnancy last year, negative ivf in the summer, and we're doing frozen embryo transfer this month. I'm so nervous so I was hoping someone had a similar protocol to mine with lots of details.. You put my anxiety to rest… a little anyway. Baseline is this thursday and my first bum shot is Friday; I'm glad you said the pain wasn't as bad as the fear! I'm so happy for you! Keep posting and giving me hope and excitement 🙂 stay rested and healthy ?
So so so happy for you! You are going to be an amazing (and gorgeous!) momma!! Xoxo
Dear Janica,
My name is Rebecca. I’m from Germany. Trough Pinterest I found your Blog and it’s so inspiring to me. In a few days I’ll start my first IVF Zyklus and your Blog helps me lot.
If your aim was to reach with your words other women and give them hope, check girl, you defentliy did this for me! 🙂
So thank you very much for your couragues decision to write about infertility. How great is god to got you through this all and in the final you have this beautiful sweet twins! ♡
I wish that I can also say in the end, that I know what everything was good for! ♡ 🙂
God bless you and your family!
Greetings from germany!
Thank you so much for writing to me from Germany! You are so sweet. I am so very excited for you and I will be praying for your success and happiness. You are wonderful!
So much love to you!
Thank you for your prayers! 🙂
Sending love over the big ocean! ♡ 🙂