To my beautiful children, (written on July 27th)
Oh, how I love being your mama! I literally get giddy when I’m about to see you at the hospital every day. When I’m there, I try to capture each detail that is you. Your precious little bodies are growing before my eyes and I don’t want to miss a second of this beautiful time. I take in your tiny arms, your little toes, your precious eyes. I love when you open them and blink and look at your mama because you hear my voice. Being your mama is the best thing that has ever happened to me. Will you ever know just how absolutely precious you are?
Goldie, you are a champion breastfeeder. The nurses are absolutely blown away by how well you are doing! The last few days I have tried to breastfeed both you and your brother twice a day, but not back to back feedings. The nurses say that breastfeeding burns so much energy for you two that it’s like running a marathon! You are SO good at it though, and you have gotten up to 80% of your feedings through me, and the rest through the feeding tube. You have gotten up 28 grams of breastmilk through breastfeeding with me and the nurses say that’s practically unheard of for someone your age! My mom (your grandma) just laughed when I told her this and said that she wasn’t surprised. After all, your mama is the same way! When I was a baby, I wouldn’t even let her change my diaper after I woke up in the morning. It was straight from the crib to the highchair to eat! I’ve been that way my life. It looks like you like food like your mom and you’re going to impress everyone with your eating skills at such an early age 🙂 It’s such a bonding experience. I love being able to feed my sweet babies. I love how you keep your little eyes open sometimes and do such a good job getting food from me. It is such a sweet experience! You also like stretching your legs after I change your diaper. It makes me laugh because you stretch them out and lounge out like you are having a spa day or something. You’re my sassy girl and I just think you are so cute that I can’t even handle it!
Harris, you are doing better every day and it makes me so happy! It absolutely broke my heart to see you with the CPAP machine on your head because I know it made you miserable. Your sweet little face would swell, you had a little sore on your forehead where it was rubbing you and you didn’t seem very happy. When I would hear your raspy little cry and see your foamy mouth, it would make me cry. I wished so bad that I could take away your discomfort. You stole my heart, sweetheart. You and your sister, both. You are doing a lot better now with the nasal oxygen and I can tell that you are a lot happier. The valve in your heart hasn’t closed all the way with the Tylenol, so we are going to re-test in a couple of weeks. I am praying that it closes on it’s own. I want my boy to have a perfect little heart. Sunday was a hard day on me because that’s when we found out that your valve hasn’t closed all the way. I cried on the way home as your daddy drove. We sure love you. You got the IV out of your head on Sunday night after we left, and Monday was a better day. You look so much better without that big thing sticking out of your head! Mama just wants you to be comfortable and happy. Your sweet face absolutely steals my heart. I have seen your sister’s eyes many times because she has been doing a lot better than you, but I am just starting to see your eyes a bit more and I think you know that you have me wrapped around your finger. Your innocent little spirit is so, so special. You have slept more that your sister because your little body has more healing to do. It’s working hard. You are also doing really great at breastfeeding! You got 8 grams each time yesterday and I can tell you are working so hard. Good job, my sweet boy!
When I go in every day, I help with your care times. You each have care times every 3 hours. Your dad and I will change your diapers, check your temperatures, and switch the oxygen monitor from one foot to the other. Goldie – you hate having your temperature taken! We put it just under your armpit and we think that you are really ticklish because you are not happy when we do that! It cracks me up, because you pulled out your feeding tube out of your nose into your tummy the other day, and putting that back down your nose and throat was much less traumatic to you than taking your temperature where all we have to do is put it in your armpit for 20 seconds. Silly girl! Harris – you like to poop when we have just barely changed your diaper and before we even close it up again. You have done this to your daddy a couple time! You also peed the other day while I was changing your diaper. I’m not used to a little boy and the pee shot up like a fountain! Woops.
I am starting to feel SO much better; I have lost 50 pounds in about 11 days!! I had to take a diuretic because the water wasn’t leaving me after I gave birth. I held onto SO much water with preeclampsia. It was no joke, and even though I still have more weight to lose and my old clothes don’t fit me yet, I practically feel like a supermodel and am expecting Victoria’s Secret to call me and ask me to be one of their models any day now 😉 😉 I had blown up so much and was so unbelievably uncomfortable it was unreal. I had no idea my body was capable of doing that; and then draining afterward! I had to walk down the stairs sideways because my ankles were so swollen that I couldn’t even bend them. I was miserably uncomfortable standing, laying and sitting. Hooray for feeling so much better again!
I pump every 3 hours and am getting a pretty good milk supply. I have probably pumped about 80 or more times since you were born. I am amazed at what our bodies can do! I was surprised when I got collostrum the first time I pumped. It’s hard to believe that your body knows what to do and I was so impressed with my body! I can’t believe what it can go through and heal from too. Bodies are incredible.
I still can’t believe that you are my babies. How did your daddy and I get so lucky?! We did 3 IUI’s, 3 rounds of IVF, removed the polyps from my uterus, I carried you, I delivered you, and I still can’t believe that we get to be your parents. We are so excited to love you, teach you, protect you, and take you on adventures. I am so lucky to be able to get to experience life through your eyes. Families are such a miracle. God certainly knew what He was doing when He created the family structure. We have people that support us, protect us and take care of us throughout our lives. I want you to know that being your mother, and your dad being your father, is our great privilege and we adore you more than words can say.
Getting you here worth every tear, shot, and discomfort I felt. I love you!