To my beautiful child,
Oh, hi! I thought I would check in really quickly to give you an update on how I’m feeling. As I was getting ready for work this morning, I started thinking about how sad it would be if your dad died when I was pregnant or if he died before we got a chance to meet you, and then I realized…what’s an eloquent way of putting it…THESE DRUGS ARE MAKING ME A PARANOID FREAK!!
Ugh for real, though! I feel so anxious lately and it’s hard not to think about the worse possible outcomes. The whole “your dad dying” thing comes from watching Everest, I think. Apparently the only thing I’m allowed to watch is…like…Barney or something? But then I’d probably start worrying that a large purple dino was scheming for your dad’s life so that wouldn’t work either.
I try to push away the negative and anxious thoughts as soon as they come into my mind. And at least I realize that I have a problem. They say that’s the first step, right?
Another thing? I feel like I want to eat everything. Like, everything. Your dad’s work Christmas party is tonight and I literally just came home and made a pre-dinner dinner. Like less than two hours before I’m going to have my actual dinner.
Oh, and want to know what else? Sure you do. Last night, Popsy and Grammy (your daddy’s mom and dad) sent us a picture of Popsy giving himself his shot. He has cancer and has to give himself shots. He is doing very well, by the way, which we are so beyond happy about. I thought, “I’m so glad they texted me that! I need to give myself my shot right now too!” So…I got the syringe ready with the estradiol valerate and was so proud of myself because I let your dad give the shot to me relatively quickly without crying or anything. I’m a big girl now. It did really hurt, but I got over it pretty quickly and went into the bathroom to get ready for bed. As I was looking at the IVF calendar that I have taped to my mirror, I said, “Tyler?? What day is it?” He answered back, “Monday.” “Ugh!!! I’m supposed to give myself my shot on Tuesday!” The best part? When my IVF coordinator, Chelsee, was going over my calendar in her office, she said something like, “if you give yourself your shot on the wrong day, it’s not that big of a deal. These ones don’t have to be timed as precisely as a fresh cycle for the egg retrieval. Just call me if that happens and we might need to modify the calendar for the future shots.” I thought to myself, “why is she telling me this? What kind of idiot is going to mess up a shot for something this important?” Crickets….
I called Chelsee today and left a voicemail. She hasn’t called me back yet so I’m assuming I’m okay. #mybad
Alrighty, then! It’s almost time for second dinner now so I better get ready. It’s been about 30 minutes since I last ate and I can really feel that appetite raging.
You’re worth it!
Last night’s photo that I sent to the family. With the shot. On the wrong day. This is probably my best picture yet. Bags under my eyes…didn’t really do my hair yesterday. Vogue? Do you want this?