To My Beautiful Child: Worrying Won't Help!

To my beautiful child,

The past few days have been really good! When your dad gave me the shot on Friday night after we got home from our movie, I was nervous again but we got through it a little easier. He pulled out the iPad again to look at baby pictures. I remembered earlier that we needed to do the shot that night, then I forgot that I had to do it until I was getting ready for bed. Big cloud. Boo. You are supposed to inject the estradiol valerate shot around the same time each night. We had a great date night and went to see a movie and had dinner at a yummy, small taco place nearby. We saw Everest which made me so sad! It was such a good moved but SPOILER ALERT –

I don’t understand how someone could leave their pregnant wife to go on a dangerous trip and then end up dying and not being able to raise their daughter? It was SO dangerous. I think it hit closer to home because we are trying to desperately to to start our family. I was sitting quietly in the car ride on the way home and your dad asked me what I was thinking about and I told him that I was so upset that he chose to climb Mt. Everest and then leave his daughter to be raised without her daddy! Your dad laughed at me and told me he thought I was cute. These things get to me!

I also cried twice today because I randomly stumbled across stories of people who had miscarriages. I think when situations hit close to home, it’s hard not to put yourself in their shoes! The truth is, though, that I believe everything happens for a reason. We need to make smart decisions to help guide our lives, but oftentimes things happen to us because that’s the direction that God would have our lives go. I pray for the strength and humor to help me get through tough times. I know that I experience difficult trials because it helps me to grow. It’s been really neat to be able to show myself how tough I really am. When you have to be strong, you step up and you make it happen. I think we all do that, in whatever situation we are facing. I’ve had people say, “I don’t know how you give yourself those shots!” but I tell them that they would too if that was the their path to getting their family. Other people do really hard things too. No one has an easy life; it’s just not meant to be that way. We can, however, find JOY and laughter in our lives even though they aren’t easy. I got this bracelet to remind myself to fight like a girl 🙂 We do hard things and our confidence in ourselves grow because of it. I’m grateful for that.

The LDS Christmas Devotional was yesterday and President Dieter F. Uchtdorf said this, “Even when the world may appear quite dark – when things aren’t going right, when our hearts are overflowing with disappointment and worry, in the midst of sadness and sorrow – we sing about ‘joy to the world’ and ‘good will toward men’ because of Christ, who came ‘to give light to them that sit in darkness.” I’ll be honest, I totally forgot the devotional was on last night, but I follow @ldschurch on Instagram and that was one of the first things I saw this morning when I woke up. I don’t think it was an accident 🙂

I got my blood drawn today and a nurse called me a few hours later to tell me that my estrogen levels are looking good so I can continue on the same dosage. I have a shot tonight, on Friday, and then I go in to the doctor on Sunday morning at 8 am to have him put in the neupogen which helps to strengthen my uterus to get ready for our little embryos. I start the progesterone in oil injections every single morning beginning on Sunday. I ordered my progesterone from the Walgreens specialty pharmacy because my pharmacy was out of stock and it will arrive this week. I had a little bit of progesterone in oil and estradiol valerate left over from my last frozen transfer so I can use that.

So….we put your Christmas stocking!! It was your dad’s idea. I was going through our “everything-goes-in-here” room and organizing (when you literally can’t walk in the room, it’s time to do these kinds of things) and your dad came in and said, “I’m really disappointed in you” as he pulled out the stockings that I had forgotten to put up. He said it with a smile on his face of course. His grandma made us an extra stocking years ago, but we have never put it up. He pulled all 3 of them out of the box and said that we would put one up for you this year. It makes me so happy when I look at it hanging above our fireplace between ours! Plus it melted my heart a bit that it was your dad’s idea. He is going to be so good to you. If all goes well, I will be pregnant with you on Christmas day although we won’t know it yet.

Your cute dad keeps saying how nervous he is that I might actually get pregnant this time. I’m nervous too! We are both nervous because we want to be the best parents that we can be. We want to give you what you need and teach you what you’re supposed to learn. I’m sure all parents probably feel inadequate at one point or another. Raising a son or daughter of God is a huge responsibility! We’re going to try our very best and pray to our Heavenly Father to help us where we are lacking.

We love you and are thinking about you! (a lot)

You’re worth it,

Mom

There’s your stocking, little one! Nice and snug between mama and daddy.