To my beautiful child,
The idea to write you letters came to me when I purchased a lovely little notepad while at Niagra on the Lake in Canada on a business trip. The notepad is titled, “100 Gathered Thoughts for my Beautiful Child” and there is place to write notes on each page, and then at the bottom of every page there is a beautiful quote, like a love note from a parent to a child. All of the them are great advice or sweet thoughts and I thought of you while I read each one. It’s strange to say I thought of you when we have never met, but I feel like I know you already. You’re a part of our family and you’re already beautiful to us, no matter what you’ll be like or what you’ll look like.
I knew I wanted to document our next IVF try on our infertility journey because it feels so good to write it all out, and I thought this would be a good way. When you are older, I’ll give you these letters and you’ll know how much you were wanted and how desperately dad and I longed to hold you in our arms. There are so many good people who are supporting us in our journey to get you here. It’s really neat.
So, here goes! The first part of our story is here, and we are about to dive into this whole mess again 🙂 We took the summer off and it was a much needed break. I felt so completely physically and emotionally exhausted after the last two rounds of in vitro that it felt good to take a breather. There were a couple times when I got up my hopes that I was pregnant, but it wasn’t true. It’s hard to not have hope every month, though, thinking that this might be the month that a miracle happens.
We had two appointments with two doctors that we had heard really good things about and we wanted to move on to different doctor with a fresh perspective. I was hoping that the doctor we went to today would be a good fit because his office is the same clinic that we have been going to and it’s really convenient because I work so close to the office. The other doctor’s office is over an hour away, but of course would be worth the drive if we didn’t feel good about this first doctor.
I met your dad in the parking lot; his truck was already there when I pulled in and when I got out of my car he gave me a big hug. We walked in and signed in, then went to the couch and tried to take a few pictures to document the process. It was hard to get a good one and your dad had me laughing, as he always does. Thank goodness for him. I have been sick with nerves the entire day and on the verge of tears several times just trying to hold it in! The nerves were a bit unexpected. As of the last few weeks, I have felt ready enough and then when today came and it hit me that we were starting this process over again, a wave of panic and nerves hit me. Our bodies and minds are funny things. They surprise you and experiences affect you even more deeply than you are aware.
We sat in the doctor’s office for a few minutes while waiting for him to come in and dad joked that he should go sit in the doctor’s chair and that would bring us good luck. I begged him not to and just as he did, the doctor walked in. Woops! Luckily, he was really nice and laughed. Your dad a crazy one and cracks me up.
The doctor asked us about ourselves and we filled him in on why we choose to meet with him and then he got out a piece of paper and wrote this:
Baby = Sperm + Egg + Uterus
(We’ve had the sex ed talk…right? You know where babies come from, don’t you? 😉 )
He said that if we aren’t getting pregnant, it’s because one of these pieces are missing. He checked off all but the “egg” part and that’s when I started crying. I just lost it! I had been so nervous the whole day and when he told me that was the issue I don’t know if I started crying because I was relieved that he thinks he knows what the issue is, the fact that it’s something in my body that’s the problem, or how overwhelmed and scared I am to start this process again? Or all 3?! He pushed over the tissues and I grabbed one said in my high-pitched teary voice, “You have tissues in here because everyone always cries in here!” and they both laughed.
Last time we did IVF, I got 38 eggs and only 3 of those eggs turned into embryos which is very low. He said that at least 1/3 of the eggs should have been fertilized and turned into embryos. He believes that I have endometriosis, so that means I’ll have to take a different medication when I do IVF to help get some good quality eggs. We hope it will work, and should be able to tell when the embryos are created this time.
I have another appointment next Monday to do a water ultrasound and make sure that my uterus wasn’t hurt at all during my miscarriage, and then my plan of care to outline the schedule over the next couple of months. I should start taking the shots a couple weeks after that which I am
This world is a rough place but oh, I am so excited for you to get to experience the good things here! I’m grateful for this experience because I get to see such a great side of people and have my perspective changed. I have been stretched to my limit and because of that I have grown, grown, grown. I look at everyone who has been encouraging to us and I think to myself that every one of them is struggling with different things, and yet they take the time out of their day to focus on our problems and help carry us through with words of encouragement. That’s what’s cool about life. We all have problems, but we help each other carry one another’s problems. By lifting others, it lifts our spirits and helps us to grow too. It’s beautiful and I’m lucky to get to witness it.
You’re worth it,
Here are a few photos from today before we went in to see the doctor. We couldn’t seem to get a good one so the 9th time is the charm…right?