To my beautiful child,
Today was kind of a hard day. It started out really well and I was happy, but it ended a little rough. Your dad and I went to pick up our first medication today. Our insurance doesn’t cover Omnitrope (human growth hormone) because it hasn’t been FDA approved for fertility, but our doctor said that he has used it many times to help the quality of the eggs in women who have endometriosis. It was almost $1,000. Ouch. I kept having nightmares of me dropping the little bottles and having them splash on the ground. I transferred the package really carefully to the fridge when I got home.
We picked up the medication through the drive through and sighed really heavily. And then I sighed again. Dad looked over and rubbed my arm and said, “it’s okay! We’re going to get you through this. I think we should put a picture of a cute baby right here (pointing to my dashboard). It won’t be hard to find a good one because you love all babies. And then we’ll write, “#goals” on it.” I started laughing. A deep laugh that feels so good. He always knows how to make me laugh when I’m feeling overwhelmed and I really think that laughter is the best medicine. There aren’t many things that feel better than a good laugh. I’m glad I married him because he understands that I need that.
I’m trying to get over the guilty feelings that I feel when I have a hard time. It’s easy for me to feel guilty when I have a bad day because in the grand scheme of things, I have so much to be grateful for. I really, really do and there isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t thank my Heavenly Father for the incredible life that I have been given. I have to remind myself that I’m not ungrateful when I feel sad or scared. I’m human. We all feel those things. The sad feelings today snuck up on me and sometimes it feels good to let the tears fall. I told myself that it’s okay to feel those feelings of fear of sadness. I just know the road ahead in the next few months will be hard so I shouldn’t expect myself to be strong all of the time. Since I know what I’m heading into this time because I’ve been through it before, I know this time how hard it’s going to be. Last time I was blissfully clueless. It’s like walking into a fire for the first time, not knowing what to expect, and then walking through again knowing how bad it burned you last time.
I got home from work today to a sweet letter in the mail from VoNique (the woman I did the fundraiser for). She thanked me for heading up the fundraiser and it was so kind. I really feel like I benefited just as much as she did. It’s healing for me to help others in this process. That’s one of the reasons I think we experience hard times in this life; so that when others need our help or we need their help, we have tangible experiences to help pull us through.
When I walked in the door, I told myself that I would treat myself to an hour of TV. I don’t watch TV that much these days because it rots your brain out (at least that’s what I’m going to tell you ;)). I didn’t learn and grow or become a better person while I watched it. I didn’t accomplish anything big. I did, however, zone out for a bit and sometimes that’s all we need. Sometimes all we need is a little pat on the back (from ourselves) that says, “it’s okay that you had a bad day. It’s okay to feel sad for a little bit. You’re trying your best.” And then you pick yourself back up and you keep going. And I’m learning that it’s okay to have a hard day and tomorrow is a new day. We all need to be a little bit more gentle with ourselves.
Love you the most.
You’re worth it,
When I went to take a picture of the crazy expensive medication so that everyone could see it, I noticed that Christ’s picture was in the background of the picture and I smiled and kind of laughed. He’s always there and I know that He always hears our concerns, sees our tears and feels our sad hearts. We don’t have to do it alone. What a wonderful reminder!