To my beautiful child,
There are some things I don’t want to forget so let’s start with those. Your sister Goldie and your brother Harris have been ADORABLE. I’ve felt kind of awful this week, especially Sunday night, and I went to bed right when we got back from the ranch and dinner at Gram Gram and Pop Pop’s house. Daddy got them ready for bed and they kept coming into my room and checking in on me. They woke up at different times on Monday morning and the first thing both of them did was ask how I was doing and if I was feeling better. It was SO SWEET! I had been concerned about the age gap between you and them for a while and I haven’t been one bit concerned these last few months because they are my little buddies! They are so much more independent now and are learning what it’s like to contribute to the family, including being supportive of their mama. I LOVE them!
I have been VERY bloated this week due to the Estradiol Valerate shots and not only that, but my boobs have also been super sore. It’s like I’m pregnant…except I’m not. Fun times 😉 Goldie on the other hand has been thrilled that I’m bloated because it looks like I’m pregnant. She will gently touch my belly and talk to me so sweetly. She will say things like, “Mom’s belly is getting prepared for the baby.” It’s the best thing that has ever happened to her and it’s the cutest thing on the planet to get to witness her excitement about it. The headmaster at their school is also pregnant and Goldie goes and gives her and the baby (her belly) a hug every time she sees her. Yesterday as we were walking out, she said, “I have to be very gentle when I hug Miss D.” Seeing Goldie and Harris and how much they care about me is a huge plus to having an age gap because they get to experience it with me! It’s like it’s Team Parcell doing this together. I love it.
Okay, shall we move onto the things that I DO want to forget? Ba ha ha ha jk. I think we learn in each hard experience and it’s our task to draw out the lessons learned and the characteristics built in our souls from the trials. I wanted to stop doing this whole embryo transfer on Tuesday. Back story: I’d been feeling AWFUL since Sunday. So nauseous and probably more bloated than I ever have been before. I had taken Diclegis on Monday night which is a nausea medicine I took while pregnant with the twins and my IVF coordinator said it was fine to take. It has Unisom in a it which aids in sleep and it lasted for 24 hours for me! I felt like I had been knocked out by NyQuil so by the time my mom came over for a lunch visit on Tuesday, I was spent! I told her I wasn’t sure why I thought this was a good idea because I did NOT like feeling THIS bad. She was awesome. I think it’s good to have a great support system of people who know you. I had felt so good about the decision just two weeks prior and she brought me back to that. I can trust myself from two weeks. You know, the girl that wasn’t having her hormones manipulated yet and had made the decision from a more sound mind.
She also reminded me that I always have a hard time when I am physically unwell. I like to control my life (don’t we all?) but I’m a bit more extreme when it comes to controlling I guess because it drives me crazy when none of my efforts are helping me feel better. It gave me clarity to pause and think about what’s really happening and what I can learn from my circumstance. I don’t think, in general, that most people escape physically feeling awful at one point or another due to illness or injury in their lives. Typically they’re not as distraught about it, though, because they are more accepting of the fact that it’s just a part of life. For me sometimes, I’m so annoyed and inconvenienced that I’m a human. Ha! It’s like my limitless spirit is trapped inside this very limited body and I just get so annoyed about it. But then I thought this week, obviously God knew what He was doing when he sent us to Earth in our very frail and high maintenance bodies. We had things to learn and characteristics to gain that could only be learned this way. So I stepped back and stopped resisting. I thought, “What can I learn by being in this body that is hurting right now?” And I stopped trying to manipulate how I felt physically and just accepted that I wasn’t feeling my best and that I probably wouldn’t be for months.
Another thing I learned about myself is that my mind tends to panic when I am suffering and go to the worst case scenario (which may help people but does not help me because I can think of some pretty horrific worst case scenario’s that none of us want to be involved in…). So for me, trying to stay in the present moment and being like, “Oh, I can do this right here right now. I don’t think I could do this forever but this won’t last forever so I am good.” That helps me a lot.
I got to speak with Emily Belle Freeman on her Inklings Institute Instagram Live this morning and we discussed this talk “Is There No Balm in Gilead?” by Elder Brent H. Nielson and it gave me some really great perspective. Like Brent’s dad and like the men who brought their friend through the roof to Jesus to be healed, and like me when I’m so annoyed that I’m not feeling well, we are coming to Jesus to be a healed physically and what he is really doing though the trial and what we learn through it is healing our spirits. Making us who we want to be but may not even know yet. It’s beautiful.
So, all this to say that I’m grateful for all of the learning that I am doing (even when it’s against my will…ha!) because I know it’s all for my good. I trust my Creator enough to trust that he will give me the power that I need to create and live as He would have me live. As Moroni shares the words of his father Mormon, “And Christ hath said: aIf ye will have bfaith in me ye shall have power to do whatsoever thing is cexpedient in me.” So if I indeed trust that my Creator made me, then I can also relax into the faith that He will give me enough strength to accomplish what it is that I need to accomplish in my life. I’m not behind. This isn’t getting in the way of what I’m supposed to be accomplishing. He’s got me.
He’s got you, too.
Snuggling with my babies when I wasn’t feeling well. I love that I have Team Parcell with me!
I highly recommend leggings and a shirt that’s at least 4 sizes bigger than your normal size for infertility treatments because you might be super bloated and need the extra comfort. Also, if you find the person that invented leggings, give them a fist bump for me, a knowing wink, and find out what their address is so I can send them a personal thank you card.
Finding the sunshine! For me, I know that living in Utah in the winter is my actual hell (unless I’m skiing) so I’ve GOT to find the Vitamin D when I can! Again, it feels inconvenient to be a human, but here I am regardless 😉 Very high maintenance. We all are. It’s just part of being a human. I have to create ways to give my body and mind what they need and getting in the sunshine (even if it’s 32 degrees) is one way I do that. Plus, it doesn’t feel that cold when it’s not windy, and I have a little spot on my balcony that feels like California if I close my eyes are get VERY creative and lie to myself so we’re making it happen over here.
The bloating. Fun times. And by fun times, I mean I would highly not recommend being this bloated and yet here we are. Ha! It’s just part of the process and I guess I’m going to accept it because it’s either that or be even more miserable than I already am. Don’t like that choice. And lucky for me, I’m learning from this body that I’m in and I’m grateful that God gave me this experience.