To my beautiful child,
Last night was the first night of the long-needles-in-the-booty shots. We got home from seeing Savior of the World (which was incredible and really touched my heart) at about 11 pm. Our house was cold. And my heart was cold. Just kidding….my heart wasn’t cold but I was slightly terrified to give myself the shot. I went into my drug lab and got the shot ready then walked into our bedroom and told your dad that I was ready and it was time to do this ‘thang.When he looked at the shot, he realized that it was filled with air. Doh. I forgot how thick the estradiol valerate is, so when I drew it up with the needle, the needle wasn’t big enough draw up the drug so it just pulled in air. Annnnnnd this is why we tag team things.
I went back into my drug lab and got the Q-cap which screws onto the syringe and pierces the drug bottle to draw up thicker substances, or most drugs, without having to use a needle. I screwed the needle back on, and then this happened…
“I don’t want to do this!!” as I threw myself face first onto the bed and started sobbing (I kind of regretted the dramatics a bit because it hurt my face a little). Your dad came up behind me and turned me around. He put his hands on my shoulders and said, “you are strong. You are bold…” and then I started smiling because I remember the time when I was giving myself the shots before our egg retrieval and he said, “You are strong. You are bold. And you are curious…I meant to say courageous.” Ha ha ha I asked him if he was about to tell me I was curious again but he said no. This got me to stop crying! I told him to promise not to give me the shot until I said to go. As I was standing there a minute later, he jokingly poked my butt with his finger to pretend like he gave me the shot. He immediately said, “I’m sorry, that wasn’t funny! That was mean.”
I then decided that instead of standing up while he gave me the shot, I was going to lie down like the girl in the picture on the instruction sheet (see exhibit A below). So, I pulled down my pants again and lay down on the bed on my side. It was then that I decided that we should say a prayer, so I asked you dad to say a prayer of courage and comfort. I don’t think Heavenly Father cares if you have pants on or not when you say a prayer, but I’ll have to ask Him someday. After the prayer, I looked over at my butt and the fat was leaning towards the bed (gravity, my friend) so that the injection site didn’t have as much junk in the trunk as it does when I’m standing. That freaked me out because I didn’t want it to go directly into my muscle right from the get-go. I wanted it to go through some of the fluff first. Third option…
I stood up and walked over to my side of the bed and told your dad that I wanted to stand up while he gave me the shot. Meanwhile, he’s standing on the other side of the bed still, with the shot hiding behind his back. I moved a little bit and told him that I could see the shot hiding behind his back in the mirror with a little grin on my face. He moved and said, “it’s better when you can’t see it though, right?” Yes. Yes it is.
He came over to my side of the bed and kneeled down behind me so that he could give me the shot. I then started crying again and said, “I don’t even want a stupid baby!!” You say things you don’t mean when a large needle is looming dangerously close-by. He saw my iPad and said, “let’s look up baby pictures.” I’m pretty sure I said, again, for added emphasis, “I don’t even want a stupid baby!” He didn’t say anything, but instead got out my iPad and typed the word, “babies” into Google. I think I fell in love with him 100x more when I saw his left hand typing “babies” in the search engine while his right hand was holding the shot behind his back. (This is where I can hear you say, “ewww!” when I talk about how much I love your dad. Well, guess what? If you didn’t have parents who loved each other enough to have each other’s baby, you wouldn’t be here, little miss or mister! Consider yourself lucky.) He clicked on “images” and started scrolling through. He was right. There were some really cute babies and we both smiled and I calmed down.
After all this, I was ready. I told him, “okay” and breathed out really loudly. Whenever I give myself a shot, I always do that. I breathe in deeply then breathe out loudly. I guess I feel like if I do that, I won’t be able to hear the needle piercing my skin or something. It hurt because your dad didn’t do it fast enough. That’s another reason I get so scared. He’s not a nurse! Or a doctor! He doesn’t really know what he’s doing! I can’t believe the fertility center trusts us to do these things but it’s the only way so I guess we have to put on our “adult” pants and move along. Your dad did a pretty good job and it really wasn’t too bad. He especially did a good job at being my therapist beforehand.
Phew. The first shot is over. I took a quick shower and then fell asleep lying on my heating pad. It helps with pain and bruising supposedly, and it also helps to distribute the drug so it doesn’t knot up.
I’m feeling so grateful and happy today. I just re-read many of the comments that kind people who are following our journey have left me and it brings me to tears. People that I have never met take time out of their day to lift me up and give me encouragement. I will never get over that. It means so much to me, and truly draws me closer to my Savior. I can’t believe He loves me enough to put these people into my life and be an instrument in His hands to carry me. People are so good.
You’re worth it! (And I promise I do want you and I don’t think you’re stupid. Let’s see what you say when you have a needle flying at your butt).